What Would You Do If I Sang Out of Tune, Would You Stand Up and Walk Out On Me?

(The Beatles, With a Little Help From My Friends)

So, as mentioned in my previous post, I did not watch Top Chef last night (though it is still being held within the safe harbor of my DVR for later viewing), opting for a viewing of There Will Be Blood instead. Wow, what a movie. I mean, this was awesome. I will have to write about it soon, I think.

However, I was ecstatic to get the following email from my friend and former roommate, Josh, this morning, and this is just too fun to not post in place of my weekly review. Come to think of it, this episode was tailor-made for Josh, as he is not only a force to be reckoned with in the kitchen, he's also the biggest Bears fan I know, which makes sense, considering the fact that he was born and raised in LA.

Though I haven't watched the show yet, I do have to say that I find Josh's final comment a bit disheartening, and in stark contrast to my own desires. But that might just speak to the demographic of the Bravo network's viewership.

Bear Down, Josh. Thanks for getting my back.
____________________________________________________

Ben -
Since you didn't review this ep of Top Chef yet, I did it for you.
Actually, I was just so jazzed after watching the episode, that I had to write about it. So I used your format.
(Feel free to quote any of it you want.)
- josh
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Title: Make every play pave the way to victory!

("Bear Down," Chicago Bears Fight Song)

First of all, I have to say that this may have been my favorite Top Chef episode, ever. (And I've seen every episode of Top Chef, and I've loved a lot of them.) A few reasons:

1. I finally feel like there are some cheftestants that I like.

2. It was a good cooking challenge, and the people who aced it seem to have really aced it. (That's hard to know for sure as a viewer, since I didn't taste the food... but I'm taking Chef Tom's word for it.)

3. The Bears. The Bears. The Bears. Especially Gale Sayers and the Fridge. The frickin' Fridge. My only complaint about the whole episode is that he should have been the guest judge. His nickname is a piece of kitchen equipment for frick's sake.

OK... On to my thoughts.

The Quickfire
The whole idea of the quickfire challenge was to have each chef pick a kind of beer, and then whip up a dish to go with it. It was cool that they got to pick the beers, and it was definitely cool to see them all (in all their cheffy snootiness) look a little intimidated by a bar full of beer. Beer, beer, beer.

I'm a little irked that Jen won it, because I think she's annoying and I was sick of her whole "I miss my girlfriend" shtick about eight seconds into the episode. I also wasn't all that interested in eating her food. It seemed a little too easy to me, and it wasn't as well thought-out as Stephanie's.

Speaking of Stephanie's dish... Wow. She tasted her beer (Hoegaarden, one of my favorite beers), and picked a food that went with it. She also used some of the beer in the dish. The clincher for me: Hoegaarden is usually served with a slice of orange, and she used citrus in the dish. Perfect. It made the guest judge's top three, so it could of won. And it should of. Jen annoys me. This challenge sealed Stephanie as my favorite female cheftestant.

Also, I'm hesitant to bring up the following, because it's probably not a fair criticism. It's even less so after the inappropriate (bigoted?) lesbian comment Spike made after Jen won (which totally should not have been put on the air). But the judge was a butch chick with tattoos, and she picked the dish by the butch lesbian contestant. I think -- all things being equal -- that might have given Jen that little edge she needed. Then again, maybe I'm just bitter because I wish Stephanie won. Also, some of my best friends are butch lesbians.

Elimination Challenge
Rena was watching with me. The minute Padma announced what the challenge was, I said to her: "The smart ones do sandwiches, chicken wings, sausages, and ribs." The chicken wings didn't make the top three (and they didn't really get mentioned after the clip of him buying wings at the bucther's counter), but they were a great idea. Nikki's sausage were a good idea horribly executed. And ribs and a sandwich made the top three.

Lets start the analysis with the bottom three.

Mark gets a lot of credit in my book for a few reasons. First, even though he's from New Zealand and (presumably) knows little about tailgating, he understood the essence of a midwest tailgate in cold weather. He served grilled food (skewered meat), slaw, and a warm soup. Good idea. Second, he gets a shitload of credit for cooking on charcoal. Colicchio mentioned this at judges table as a flavor decision (as if the rest of the chefs chose gas because they didn't need the flavor of charcoal). That's crap. The rest of the cheftestants chose gas because it was easier. Gas doesn't need to be hand-lit. No coals that need TLC. No heat management. Lots of horizontal grill space. Charcoal, on the other hand, is how real men cook. (And -- if my chauvinism bugs you -- it's also how real midwesterners cook. This is Chicago, not Napa. Coal, coal, coal.) Mark -- the Australian for gossakes -- cooked like a true tailgater. He botched the execution, but he deserved to live for another week.

Much was also made of Mark's being sloppy and unsanitary. I get that all these guys are professional chefs who cook in professional kitchens, and they take this stuff seriously. They should take this stuff seriously. But lets get a grip for a sec. Mark is cooking on a finicky grill, outside, surrounded by hundreds of rabid Bears fans. This is how manly men football fans cook. Taste the sauce, then put the spoon back? No problem! Come on, Chef Tom. Get a grip.
Nikki blew this challenge much more than Mark. She didn't really cook anything. She sautéd some freakin' peppers and onions? Any moron can do that. Store bought sausage? Nothing to see here, folks. Just a lady cooking food that anyone can make in their own kitchen with virtually no effort. They were right that she should have made her own sausages, and they were right that she should have made a more complicated dish.

But at least she understands what to serve at a tailgate.

Dooooshbag McGee, err, Ryan, deserved to go home. Poached pears at a tailgate? When Padma announced the challenge, he told the confessional camera that he's a metrosexual who doesn't do sports and doesn't do tailgating food. He's a sophisticate. He's a snob. He's an idiot who somehow convinces himself that if he cooks his hoity toity poached pears with créme fresh well enough, the peasants of Soldier Field will suddenly see the light, put down their polish sausages, and start eating haute cuisine. (I have this image of Alec Baldwin trying to serve shweddy balls to the Superfans.) He deserved to go because he's an idiot, and because his food was boring, even for his kind of food. Poached pears? Seriously?

As for the winners...

I kinda like Antonia. She's got this can-do spirit, and she's always smiling. She also seems really normal. Of all the contestants, she's the one who would fit in with me and my friends. Her dish looked pretty cool, and doing a sandwich was smart. Doing a sophisticated -- but not too sophisticated and not too scary for Bears fans -- sandwich was even smarter. Colicchio says she should have put the pineapple and the banana on the sandwich. I don't believe that fruit goes on pizza or on sandwiches. So I agreed with Antonia, personally. Also, I'm not sure tropical flavors were right on for a Bears tailgate. (Then again, Dale did it too, and I was very impressed by him, so whatever.)

I've already said that I like Stephanie. I like that she's humble. I like that she's thoughtful and smart. I like that she's friendly. I like that she doesn't try to use fancy gadgets or weird abstract concept dishes. She just cooks. And she cooks food that looks like I want to eat it, pretty much every time. Her pork dish looked really great. Tenderloin is easy to do on the grill (bravo for a good choice at the bucther), and bacon and potatoes go together like... like lamb and tuna fish. (Maybe you like spaghetti and meatball? You more comfortable with that analogy? But I digress.) She's this season's Casey, but maybe better. And the judges are noticing. She should go very far.

Dale deserved to win this competition. First, he made ribs. Second, he made them with strong flavors. Third, the Fridge loved his ribs. I was very proud of him. He started off the episode on a bad foot, with the half-ass apology to Lisa that was all the more awkward with the camer man hanging out over his shoulder. And then he had to endure being in the bottom of the quickfire challenge. But he redeemed himself, and he won me over with his boyish glee at being at Soldier Field, and his heartfelt appreciation when he realizes that he's standing right in front of Gale Sayers. As the only cheftestant who recognized Gale Sayers, he deserved to win the challenge. Other things I like about him: He's got incredible knife skills (see the Quickfire a couple of weeks ago, when he pulled out the "Vegan Sashimi Platter"), which I admire. Last week he argued against doing lame Asian flavors to please Ming Tsai, even though he's the token Asian guy on the show. He doesn't like Lisa, and neither do I.

So now I have two favorites. Stephanie is just plain likable, and Dale is a fellow Bears fan who cooks cool food. And I like Antonia too. She's got a restaurant in LA that Sara and I should try.

Other random comments:

- Andrew loses points for the "When was the last time they won the Superbowl?" comment. Not that its a problem that he doesn't know about football. Virtually none of them do. But don't pretend to be a Bears fan, then ask the question. Any fan of any team knows the last time their team won the championship. It's a lose-lose question. If the Bears had won last year, he looks like an idiot for not knowing. If they haven't won in a while (like, say, 23 years), he pisses off the fans. I have to say that I like Andrew for marching to the beat of his own drummer, but I think he needs to stop saying stupid things at every opportunity. Also, was Gail flirting with him?

- It would have been awesome if Dale took his prize Bears jersey and asked, "Um, what am I gonna do with my name on a Brad Maynard jersey?" Anyone else think it was weird that all the judges wore the punter's number? Like I said, woulda been cooler if Fridge had been the guest judge, and then they all could have worn 72.

- Why does anyone care if the guys like to hang out in the tub? The awkward thing wasn't that they were in the tub together, but that the producers tried to get milage out the whole "straight guys acting gay" thing. It wasn't funny, and it was uncomfortable. What if they were two gay guys? Or two girls (gay or not)?

- Nikki can't last much longer. She just isn't that talented of a chef.

- My current guess at the final four: Stephanie, Dale, Richard, Antonia. I can't stand Richard, and I'm glad we barely saw him (and his freakin' paté burgers... Just call them pork burgers and get over yourself, asswipe), but I think he's going far.

- Antonia says on the Top Chef website that her favorite recipe is baby beets with goat cheese, which has been my favorite food for the last few months (because it turns your poop purple).

- You know something about this show's audience when more people responded to the survey that they'd rather touch Tom than Padma.