Lord Knows When the Cold Wind Blows It'll Turn Your Head Around

(James Taylor, Fire and Rain)

I missed last Wednesday's writeup. Sorry, Brandy. The computer was tied up. I haven't even posted anything since that afternoon, so after a week off, I'm feeling a little rusty. We'll see how it goes...


Zoi is pissed that she got called out last week, but I bet she wouldn't trade places with Manuel, so she should relax a bit.

Quickfire Challenge: Guest Judge Ming Tsai from Boston's Blue Ginger restaurant is here to help ruin somebody's life this week. And, to make my point, he immediately says that somebody without a sensitive pallette might as well pack their knives and go home. Weird. They're not cooking anything, they're just smelling and tasting 2 different things, and trying to notify which is the high-end product. Padma blindfolds Ryan, and I really wish I was a contestant on this show. He kills it. Stephanie likes the cheap crab meat. Richard did well, but they forgot to blindfold his fauxhawk. My man Andrew didn't do so well, but Stephanie took the lowest score. Ryan and Jen tied for second place, and Zoi complains about being beaten by her lover. Welcome to Halle Berry's world, sweetheart. Antonia wins immunity, which means we have to wait at least one more week before she gets kicked off and leaves more interesting people to watch.

Elimination Challenge: Earth, Wind, and Fire. And Water. And, not really wind, but Air. They're working in teams based on the elements, and Andrew and Richard are on the same team AGAIN! This is starting to look a little rigged. Spike is upset about being on a team with Antonia, which is a valid concern, because she could saute dog poo and not get kicked off this week. Lisa gets called out by Dale as being very negative, which is a very generous description. She's like a grown up female Napoleon Dynamite. I hope tonight is her night.

They're cooking for Meals on Wheels, so naturally they're going to spend 37 times more than they should on food from Whole Foods. That's like Al Gore taking a private jet to a Live Earth concert. Lisa wants to knock Ming Tsai's pants off with Asian food. I've got a feeling she's not going to nail it as well as he could, and she has now voiced her unhappiness approximately 95 times since they walked into the store. Her teammates are legitimately frightened by her right now. There's no way they're going to be successful in this challenge, and Stephanie and Dale are going to throw her right under the bus. That's my prediction, which probably means she's safe this week.

Andrew, Richard and New Zealand decide to cook in a different room from everyone else, presumably because Andrew wants to stab Richard with his own fauxhawk without other people watching on. Spike doesn't seem to be on a very good team tonight, and he's wearing some sort of bamboo baseball cap, which is almost as weird as the yellow fedora he usually wears, which I think he stole from the Dick Tracy costume department. Dale doesn't like Lisa's "observational negativity," which is code for "she's a complete bitch." Nikki tells her team that when they curse, it draws attention to them. Clearly she hasn't been listening to anyone all season, because this group makes my conversational style seem G-rated. Richard thinks his team needs to have a strong rapport with Colleccio, and then immediately creeps him out, which is like, Pot, meet Kettle. You're black.

Maybe I'm just tired, but the part of the show where they're plating and serving the food is just boring the crap out of me tonight. Richard left scales on all the salmon pieces. The "fire" shrimp dish goes over well, and looks awesome. Team Air is happy with their product, which Nikki emphasizes by wearing a weird beehive hairdo. Hello, 1957.

Judges' Table: Fire Team gets called out first, because their shrimp dish was awesome, and also because I predicted that they were going to lose and get Lisa kicked off. Why am I so BAD at this?!? Stephanie did the shrimp, Lisa did the bacon, Dale must have just been there for moral support. And the winner is ... Lisa. I am such a f'ing idiot. And, I'm also pissed, because she SUCKS!! Dale is bitter. I feel your pain, brother.

The worst teams are Earth and Water. Could Richard be on his way back to the ATL because of his scaly salmon? All of the judges are pissed about the scales, and Richard is scared out of his mind, but that's how he always looks, because of that damn fauxhawk. New Zealand takes credit for the parsnip, but he can't really justify its use. He might as well have smeared vegemite all over the place. Zoi says her teams concern was that they didn't want to overpower the meat. Yeah, right, babe. No one's buying that. And, yes, I am a 12-year old.

Wow, right before the commercial, Dale goes balls to the wall, yelling at Lisa. Clearly, he wasn't kidding about the bitterness. But, I don't disagree with him in the least. She is a bitch, it's a scientific fact. Look it up, if you don't believe me.

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday. Also, Goodbye Zoi. Wow. Looks like I was about 2 weeks early with that one, huh? Jen is pissed. Richard is crying. I am tired. Spike is yelling at Antoinia. Antonia is yelling at Spike. Jen is yelling at Spike, and a little scary in doing so. Dale is yelling at Lisa, while gripping his sack. Jen starts kicking over chairs like she's a member of Motley Crue. Lot of tension here, and I love it! Can't wait for next week.