The Name is D, Y'all, and I Don't Play. And I Can Rock a Block Party Till Your Hair Turns Grey.

(Beastie Boys, Pass the Mic)

Previously on Top Chef: Zoi and Jennifer know each other from San Francisco and are a couple. The fact that they just showed that again makes me think that either one of them is going to be packing her knives and going this week, or maybe they have a fight or have to compete head to head or something. Let's get rolling...


Andrew and Spike are acting really flirty with each other, while doing bad Borat impressions. Maybe they're sick of Zoi and Jennifer having the market cornered on the gayness. Either that, or their beards have some sort of gravitational pull towards each other. Guest judge is Chicago chef Rick Bayless, who has won "many beard awards." Is that for real? Do they televise these beard awards? Who votes on them? Are these even food awards, or are they just awards for like, the best beard, the longest beard, things like that? I doubt it, but it would be awesome if that were true. And it would also be good news for Spike and Andrew. And this dude at the right would win for sure. Plus, Beard Bayless doesn't even have a beard, but he does have a weird looking chin. (Interestingly, or not, I noticed that he does actually have some facial hair, as a mustache, a bit of stubble on his chin, and a soul patch. I hope with all of my soul that he didn't win some sort of beard award with that. I would lose all faith in beard awards if that happened.)

Quickfire Challenge: Tacos. Advantage to Zoi and Jennifer! (Sorry, couldn't pass that one up.) They have 30 minutes to make a taco. My God, even I could do this. Manuel starts chopping up some cactus, which could be pretty cool. Spike is going to make "street food", and Andrew thinks he's going to win because of his crazy ideas and f-bombs. Richard wants to reinvent the taco, using jicama as the taco shell, and he's going to plate it inside his fauxhawk and have the judges eat it right off his head. New Zealand says something nearly unintelligible, but it was probably astute. Padma likes Manuel's taco (about time, man!), and Beard Bayless loves Andrew's duck taco. Spike carries his Borat impression over with a half-assed "success!" when The Beard says he likes his "street taco." Eric was called out because his plate looked rough, but he doesn't think fine dining goes with Mexican food and offers The Beard the option of screwing himself. I think he'd rather have a better taco, but I don't presume to know his inner thoughts.

Andrew is placed in the top 3, and he makes a face like he just tried to fart but accidentally let a few escapees past the guards, if you know what I mean. I wish I could find a still of that picture. Man, it would be great right here. He also liked Richard's and Spike's. I knew he was going to pick Spike and Andrew. It's the "Beard Episode!!" In a surprise move, though, he picks Richard's jicama taco. Seems like a not-too-subtle way to show those 2 beards whose beard is boss.

Richard wins immunity, and they all divide into two teams and take a field trip. Zoi and Jennifer both end up on the Red Team, which makes Jennifer happy. Zoi says they know each other's pallette's better than anyone else. I bet that's not all they know better than anyone else. Also, I have no idea how to spell pallette. Red Team also has the beard brothers, Spike and Andrew. Blue Team, otherwise known alternatingly as "team boring" or "team douchebag," ends up with Nikki, Stephanie, Lisa, Manuel, New Zealand, and Richard's fauxhawk. I wish New Zealand was on Red Team.

Elimination Challenge: They're sort of catering an annual block party in some Chicago neighborhood, having something to do with mealstogether.com, whatever that is. Ah, here's the challenge. They're not "shopping" for this challenge in the store, they have to go door to door and collect groceries from the neighborhood residents. What a drag. I'm sure the neighbors are going to love that, and not at all be pissed off enough to complain to their city councilman. Jennifer absolutely cleans out some old couple. They took 7 bags of food from this one house! Nikki says one of her signature dishes is mac and cheese. Maybe I was jumping the gun a bit when I thought she was awesome for making her own pasta 2 weeks ago. Mac & cheese?

Andrew and Spike and their beards rummage through some lady's pantry together, and I might as well start referring to them as Ace and Gary whenever they do anything together. Spike (Gary?) says she must have been stocking up in case of a World War, in which case, it's a good thing you're cleaning her out before D-Day. The lady's daughter is afraid of them, and so am I. Spike keeps doing the Borat thing. And not well. Richard wants to go "upscale," which to him means not hamburgers and hot dogs. Zoi wants to do corn dogs. Good thing they're on different teams.

Nikki's working on her mac & cheese, and Richard is throwing together a paella for Padma, Tom, Ted Allen, and Beard Bayless, caring not about the residents of the neighborhood whose block party he's cooking for. Andrew throws out another Borat "success!" The fact that they're keeping this up, and that they're so bad at it, it's actually growing on me, and I'm started to enjoy it. Eric is working on corn dogs and Zoi knows she's not going to win Top Chef by making pasta salad, but alas, such is her lot today.

Colleccio in Blue. He asks Nikki what's in their "sexy drink" (which I was kind of wondering myself), and she tells him it's simple syrup with lavender and citrus, which will be carbonated on site. Colleccio asks, "What makes that sexy?" to which Nikki replies "the lavender," with a shrug that makes it seem like a question rather than an answer. Way to be bold, Nikki. Now get back to that mac & cheese. To be fair, though, Colleccio doesn't seem like he'd know sexy if it grabbed hold of his balls and led him around the room by his scrotum, so I can't really fault Nikki too much for not knowing how to handle his question better. He's a bit of a weirdo. He then completely freaks out Jennifer and Ryan, who have chosen to leave mayonnaise out of their Waldorf because it's hot outside, by telling them that it's the mayonnaise that keeps everything fresh. That, and the sexy lavender, right Tommy Boy?? They're all a little worried about their food holding up in transit. And...utensils down, hands up.

(I just realized this episode's only halfway over and I've already written a ton. Man, this is going to be long. Sorry)

Ace and Gary are really excited about this block party, and Richard's fauxhawk enjoys the cheering crowds. No one will be surprised to learn that the corn dogs are, in fact, soggy, and the mac & cheese is, in fact, gross from sitting around. Padma shows up with The Beard, Colleccio, and Ted Allen. Manuel is gung ho about this, and I really hope he does well tonight. Andrew tells some kid that his sliders are full of awesomeness, and I like to think that's true. Aside from the soggy corn dogs and the crap & cheese, everything else REALLY looks and sounds good. Even the sexy lavender drink, which puts a big creepy smile on Colleccio's face.

Spike explains his "smores on a stick" in his bad Borat accent, which Ted Allen immediately mistakes for a bad French accent, after which Andrew starts jumping up and down like a monkey on cocaine. Ace and Gary are loving this party, and they start dunking basketballs on a 7-foot goal with a bunch of 4 year olds. I mean, like a bunch of 4 year olds.

Judges Table: Padma asks for the Blue Team. Ace, Gary, Zoi and Jennifer don't like this at all. They usually call the best out first to congratulate them, and I was confused as well, because it clearly seemed like the Red Team killed that challenge. Andrew even goes so far as to drop an f-bomb, which is just so out of character for him. Nikki says nobody was the team leader and takes responsibility for her mac & cheese, which The Beard says turned into a brick. Richard admits that his paella wasn't exactly a paella. Then the judges COMPLETELY shock me by saying that the Blue Team was the winning team. Man, I am floored by this. Stephanie gets the win for this one, for some reason, but either way, it's her second win in three challenges. Not bad, Stephanie.

Red Team goes out and Stephanie does some weird dance when they leave the room. At least she's not a sore winner. This could be bad for the Zoi/Jennifer and Ace/Gary gay couples. Spike says he thought they kicked ass, which I did as well. Eric is getting killed over the corn dogs. He may be out, because he seems to be getting killed every week. Spike keeps talking about how surprised he is that they're there. Colleccio says if they all tasted Zoi's pasta salad and liked it, then they must have poor pallets. Yikes, didn't see that coming at all. Andrew then tells Colleccio that if he wants him to go home, he's going to have to drag him out with security guards, because "this is MY house." Really? Actually, I'm pretty sure this is Colleccio's house. Padma then dismisses the team somewhat angrily.

The weakest dishes are the Waldorf, the corn dogs, and the pasta salad. They all hate the pasta salad. Hey, has it been mentioned that Zoi and Jennifer know each other from San Francisco and are a couple? Because if not, it's worth mentioning while there's still time. Zoi then drops about 17 f-bombs in the back room while talking to her team. Not looking good. WOW! I am off tonight, because it's Eric, not Zoi, who is packing his knives and going. Man. MAN! I'm shocked and a little pissed that I was so wrong. I'm not going to miss him, though, because he didn't really seem to do anything all that good in the 3 episodes he was still around for.

The previews for next week look like more rough going for Zoi, which probably means it will be Ryan or somebody else that's not Zoi who gets kicked off. I'm an idiot.