And the Last Known Survivor Stalks His Prey in the Night

(Survivor, Eye of the Tiger)

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody! I'm enjoying my last night of pseudo-bachelorhood by sitting on the couch, drinking a Guinness, and watching episodes of Iron Chef: America that we've got on the DVR. I know, slow down, right? Well, I'm in a great mood, because today is the first day of the best three weeks of the year. Of course, I'm talking about the beginning of the NCAA Tournament, which closes out on the second best sports weekend of the year. The Final Four, the Masters, and baseball's opening weekend. The only thing better than that is this coming weekend, which gives us the first two rounds of March Madness. 32 games on Thursday and Friday, then 16 games on Saturday and Sunday. Pure ecstasy for any basketball fan.

I've got my brackets filled out already, and I'm sure I'll get to some predictions this week before the tournament actually starts, but today at lunch, just for the hell of it, I filled out another set of brackets where I answer the question that I'm sure is burning in all of your minds:

Which mascot would win in a steel-cage match, Thunderdome style, fighting to the death?

TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVE!

Well, you've come to the right place. Let's break this down by region and see what happens.

East Region:
Play-in winners, the Mountaineers are able to outlast the Tar Heels, and the Razorbacks beat the Hoosiers in a really ugly, sloppy game. In our first "human versus human" contest, the Fighting Irish really show their grit in their triple-overtime win against the Patriots. The Cougars beat the Eagles with a few well-timed swipes of the paw, but the Hawks redeem the flying teams by beating the crap out of the Sooners. The Broncos over the Cardinals in a rout, and the Jaguars outscrap the Bulldogs for the win. The Volunteers fall to the Eagles, after having their eyes gouged out by the Eagles' large talons.

In Round Two, the Razorbacks prove too much for the Mountaineers, while the Cougars take advantage of not being stinking drunk in their win over the Fighting Irish, who celebrated a little too much after their first round win. The Broncos win in an upset over the Hawks, and the Jaguars beat the Eagles, defeating also any hope of a flying bird to advance any farther. The Razorbacks winning streak comes to an end at the paws of the Cougars, and the Jaguars prove too much for the Broncos. The Cougars, energized by their win over the Razorbacks, defeat the Jaguars on their way to the Final Four.

Cougars advance.

Midwest Region:
The Vikings care not for the rock-chalk, and defeat the Jayhawks with very little effort in Round One. The Golden Flashes (which just sounds dirty to me) somehow outlast the Runnin' Rebs. The Tigers win a close one over the Wildcats, and the Commodores are able to run over the Saints, who are ill-equipped for a steel-cage match such as this. The Trojans upset the Wildcats, and the Titans have no problem with the pesky Badgers. The Wildcats run away from the Bulldogs, in a game that was close in the first half, and in the "Michael Vick Invitational," the Hoyas avoid electrocution by tearing up the Retrievers.

The Vikings are able to overcome the Golden Flashes in Round Two, by virture of sheer toughness. The Tigers defeat the Commodores in a complete rout, and the Trojans win a close one over the Titans, in only the second "human versus human" matchup of the tournament. The Wildcats beat the Hoyas, who were still too shaken up by the Michael Vick mention in the previous paragraph. The Tigers again assert their physical dominance over man by defeating the Vikings, and the Wildcats have similar results in their win over the Trojans. The Tigers are tough, though, and beat the Wildcats on their way to the Final Four.

Tigers advance.

South Region:
In Round One, the Tigers handily defeat the Mavericks, and the Bulldogs literally devour the Ducks. The Spartans knock off the Owls, and the Panthers and Wildcats both win their matchups with the Golden Eagles. In the first of the "oh, the irony" games, the Big Red have their way with the Cardinal, and in the second, the Hurricanes outblow the Gaels for the victory. The Longhorns exploit the obvious weakness in the Governors, who were really poorly suited for this matchup.

Round Two sees the Tigers tearing up the Bulldogs, and the Panthers rip the Spartans limb from limb. The Wildcats find a way to outlast the Big Red, and the Hurricanes drown the Longhorns, who really don't have the speed they need to keep up in this one. The Tigers win a close one over the Panthers, and the Wildcats are able to "weather the storm" by staying alive against the Hurricanes, but they're left in a weakened state and fall to the Tigers without much of a fight at all.

Tigers advance.

West Region:
In the West Region, things get a little crazy. All three bears in this tournament are in this region, and any one of them probably would have been favored to make the Final Four, if they were coming out of another side of the brackets. Unfortunately for them, both of the devils are in this region as well. Let's see how things turn out.

Not well. The Bruins go down hard to the Delta Devils in the first matchup. It seems these devils are fairly skilled in the dark arts, and are easily able to control the pace of the contest. The Cougars rip the Aggies to shreds, and the Bulldogs "topped" the Hilltoppers. The Huskies defeat the Toreros, and the Boilermakers fall to the Bears, who are glad they didn't have to face any supernatural elements just yet. The Musketeers, channeling Michael Vick and friends, pound the Bulldogs, and the Wildcats win an easy one against the Mountaineers. In what seems to be a trend, the Blue Devils have an easy time with the Bruins, and are looking ahead to their only real challenge in the regional finals.

The Delta Devils and Blue Devils prove too much for their feline opponents, the Cougars and Wildcats, respectively, in this round. The Huskies tear up the Bulldogs, and the Bears celebrate another win by beating the Musketeers. Their joy is short-lived, though, as they fall hard to the Blue Devils in their next game. The Delta Devils toy with the Huskies for awhile, before finally putting them away, setting up the battle royale between the Delta Devils and Blue Devils in the regional finals. This is the game of the tournament (the Texas/Kansas, if you will), and it's pretty evenly matched. In the end, the Delta Devils prevail, due in no small part to their secret weapon and tournament MVP, the soul of blues guitarist Robert Johnson.

Delta Devils advance.

Final Four:
In the Final Four, the Tigers overtake the Cougars in the first game, then the Delta Devils work their dark magic over the Tigers in the second game, only to find themselves head to head with the Tigers again in the finals. As they are masters of the dark arts, they have no problem dispatching the Tigers again to win it all.

This might be the one and only time anyone has or will ever pick the Delta Devils of Mississippi Valley State to win the NCAA Tournament. Congratulations, Delta Devils.