Ready for the Shuffle, Ready for the Deal, Ready to Let Go of the Steering Wheel

(U2, Zoo Station)

There are three chefs on this show with that fauxhawk. Did I miss the memo? Stephanie (last week's winner) says she's a force to be reckoned with, and to prove it, they show her working out with a 5 pound weight. Point taken, Stephanie.

This week's Quickfire Challenge sees the chefs walking to the farmer's market. Padma is looking a little rough, which worries me a bit, as she's one of the things that keeps me captivated by this show. They can only use 5 ingredients from the farmer's market in their dish, which can be whatever they want. The first f-bomb of the evening is dropped by Spike, not Andrew, in the first surprise of the night. New Zealand pays for his ingredients, asks for a receipt, then proceeds to walk out without his bag of food. I'm pretty sure that's going to make it hard for him to cook. Richard was excited that Wiley Dufresne is the guest judge, because he's also a "molecular gastronomist," and to illustrate this, his hair stands straight up. Or, it could just be his ridiculous fauxhawk. Spike drops another f-bomb, and I'm pretty sure I just saw Andrew drawing up a complaint for copyright infringement.

Richard's dish is described as having "not terribly strong eucalyptus." A ringing endorsement. Wiley likes New Zealand's sideburns, despite the fact that he left the market without some of his food. This is nothing if not a credible competition. Andrew f's up by using balsamic after his 5 ingredients. He admits to being a dumbass, but uses no words that start with the letter F. Shockingly, New Zealand wins. Must have been the sideburns.

The Elimination Challenge starts with the obligatory knife draw. Vulture? Bear? What the hell is going on here? Andrew wants Lion (and growls for emphasis), but then seems very excited to draw Penguin. They're catering a private party at the zoo, and they have to base their dishes around the main foods in their animal's diet. Odd, to say the least. New Zealand notices that the vulture's diet is very similar to his own; presumably he hangs out in the desert or along highways, waiting for animals to just drop dead, already! $500 to spend at Whole Foods, which will probably buy each of them a loaf of bread and a bottled water. Spike mentions that he is molesting the produce section. Yikes. Remind me to buy my produce elsewhere. Nikki bought a whole wheel of cheese for one of her dishes, which is awesome! I'm freaking out, I love cheese and have always wanted to buy a big wheel of cheese. Nikki has impressed me two weeks in a row, first with her freshly made pasta, now with her wheel of cheese.

Colleccio shows up in his blue chef's coat, which always cracks me up, because he does absolutely zero cooking. Andrew is making some sort of a glacier, which he's very excited about. It looks nasty to me. Dale thinks Nikki's mushrooms look like turds. Hey, back off, man. She's got a wheel of cheese and she's not afraid to use it. And...utensils down, hands up. See you at the zoo.

Team Bear immediately begins fighting about the turd mushrooms. Nikki wants to use them, but Dale feels like he's putting perfume on a pig. Which, I don't think pigs like very much. Except Miss Piggy. And Petunia Pig. Padma has cleaned up slightly, but she's looking kind of exhausted, and clearly needs to take advantage of all this food in front of her. She brings in Colleccio, Wiley Dufresne, and Gail Simmons, who brings absolutely NOTHING to the table. Richard made a Ras Al Hanout for the second week in a row (I think it was him last week), which shows a lack of originality. His fauxhawk loves the Raz Al Hanout, though, and he can't argue with his fauxhawk. And, thankfully, the turd mushrooms are taken off the table, but not before somebody eats one and is very unhappy about the experience. Unfortunately, they still give them to Colleccio and Dufresne, who seem to wish they hadn't. Team Gorilla made a banana bread, which looks awesome. I'm not seeing any reductions in any of the dishes, which is going to make it hard to choose a winner.

Back at Judges Table (why don't they use an apostrophe?), Padma asks for Team Vulture and Team Penguin. The bird teams are flying high! (Pardon my pun, and yes, I know penguins don't fly.) Andrew is a bit of a spaz when talking about his glacier, but he's just very excited, and he is then chosen as the winner! My boy!! No f-bombs tonight, but there are still a few minutes left in the show. Gorillas and Bears are brought in as the worst teams. The turd mushrooms are cited as one of the 3 worst dishes of the whole evening. Dale admits to putting cheese on them so they didn't look like sh*t, but nobody tasted them after the cheese was added. Lesson: always taste the sh*tty cheese before serving it at the zoo. Gail and Colleccio force Antonia to throw one of her teammates under the bus, and Stephanie (the aforementioned force to be reckoned with) gets saved. I don't know the name of the girl who was left for dead. Hopefully she'll get kicked off so I don't have to learn it. Padma looks a lot more lifelike after eating, which I'm happy about. In the end, it was the blinis that they hated the most, and Valerie must pack her knives and go. (As it happens, Valerie was the one whose name I didn't know.)

Next week: crying and f-bombs. Can't wait.