War! It Ain't Nothing But a Heartbreaker ... War! Friend Only To The Undertaker

(Edwin Starr, War)

I'm not really in the mood to write very much tonight, so this might (might) end up being my shortest Top Chef post to date. I just had to sit through the two-hour finale of Desperate Housewives on the DVR, and I'm quite certain that I am now much stupider than I was at 8:00.

Full disclosure: I found out last night who wins this season of Top Chef. I won't say who it is, and the only hint you get is that I found out last night who wins this season of Top Chef.

I'm guessing tonight's episode is going to open up with Spike sulking around the house, now that Andrew's gone. Of course, I'm wrong. Colleccio shows up at 5:45 a.m. and wakes everyone up. He looks like he's had some coffee. Their Quickfire Challenge tonight is to work the egg station at Lou Mitchell's, a breakfast joint in Chicago. Pretty cool, actually. I'm a big breakfast guy, so this is going to be interesting. Stephanie and Richard are having a hard time, and Antonia seemed to do pretty well. Dale gets bombarded by 4 orders at once, and looks like a pro. Antonia and Dale were both singled out as the best, but Antonia gets top honors, along with some sort of advantage for the ...

Elimination Challenge: They end up in an empty loft space where Padma throws down the Restaurant Wars challenge. Everybody is fully jazzed, as this is what they're all here for anyway. Antonia gets to choose her team and picks Stephanie and Richard. Dale and Lisa are going to kill each other tonight. Dale is the team's executive chef, and surprise, they're going with an Asian theme. Spike wants them all to be professional. Good luck with that.

$1500 at Whole Foods (insert obligatory Whole Foods Is Expensive joke here), then they go to Pier One Imports (this mall's got everything!) for restaurant decor. Team Douchebag (that's Lisa's team) buys a ton of Budda stuff at Pier One. Team Discovery Channel is going with a Gastro Pub menu (American style food, which Richard explains after putting massive amounts of product in his hair.

Colleccio is away tonight, and his replacement is none other than Anthony Bourdain (wearing Colleccio's blue chef's coat). He's digging Team Discovery Channel's stuff so far, and Team Douchebag might (might) be up the proverbial creek of shit, as Bourdain has travelled extensively in Asia and loves Asian food, so he's going to be a tough judge. Bourdain brings out Andrew, Jenn, Nikki and New Zealand (welcome back, everyone!) and lets each team pick one person to help out. Jenn and Nikki make the cut, and the boys are sent packing.

Lisa doesn't like Dale's Halo-Halo (holla holla!), and they start getting into it over some rice. Antonia and the rest of her team seem pretty calm thus far. I like it. Spike then puts on a suit that makes him look sort of like the scumbag younger brother of the snooty (snotty?) maitre'd from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Team Discovery Channel is scoring big time with every dish on their menu, except for the dessert, but they're even getting props for trying. This could be a massacre. Team Douchebag is tense, and Bourdain's not loving the Laksa. Padma likes the dumplings. They're fighting in the kitchen about the size of the portions, which you'd think they might have worked out before they cook and serve everything. They do like Dale's Halo-Halo (holla holla!), though.

Judges' Table: They're all patting themselves on the back for getting their restaurants off the ground tonight, and Stephanie, Antonia and Richard are brought out as the winners. Big surprise there. Bourdain loved them. Stephanie finally wins again, which gets her a trip for two on a culinary tour of Barcelona, Spain, including a guided wine tour and tasting. Wow! Team Douchebag trudges out all downtrodden-like. 13 minutes left. Gonna be some drama here. Man, they are getting hammered on every single dish, one of which was described as "baby food garnished with potpourri." Yikes. Send em all home!! Or, just Lisa. That would be ok with me.

We can't catch a break here! Dale gets sent packing, and Lisa is still on this show?!?!?!?! I don't get it. She SUCKS! Dale was kind of a dick, but I liked him pretty much all season. Probably because he didn't like Lisa. We heard he's opening a restaurant here in the ATL, so we'll have to check his place out after it opens. Next week they get rid of one more chef before the finals, and I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it if Lisa makes the final four.