Moving Again ...

Not me, just the blog. I decided to move the blog over to Wordpress, for two reasons. You can decide which one was more important:

1. It used to cost money, now it is free.
2. I just got an iPhone, and they have a great iPhone app that lets you post directly from the phone, and I couldn't pass up the oppportunity to use it.

Here's a hint. It was reason #2.

From now on, come visit me here. Thanks!

Vince Young Is Still the Wind Beneath My Wings

(I might be abandoning the "song lyric for every post title" format. This a test.)

I was going to write something after Tom Brady's injury about how now we're going to find out if Bill Belicheck's coaching genius had more to do with Brady's on-field excellence, or if he really was a great coaching mind, and compare that to the situation in Austin with offensive coordinator Greg Davis, who everybody seemed to think was some sort of offensive genius himself, despite the fact that right around the time everybody (everybody but me, that is) was saying this, he was fortunate to have Vincent Paul Young, Jr., running the show and singlehandedly (SINGLEHANDEDLY!) winning games. Not just games. Rose Bowls. Not just Rose Bowls. National Championship Rose Bowls. Not just National Championship Rose Bowls. National Championship Rose Bowls against a team who had won 34 straight games and two national championships. Singlehandedly winning those games and beating those teams. Maybe that had something to do with Greg Davis's success. Maybe.

Anyway, in light of what is going on with VY right now, maybe that's all I'm going to say about it, and just remind everyone that he might not be the sharpest pencil in the drawer, but he's not an investment banker. He's a football player. And if he is battling some sort of depression, I feel for the guy. You never want to know that your heroes are fallible, but they are. It's tough for him that he has to go through this under the microscope, though, because he probably just needs to chill out a bit and have some attention deflected elsewhere, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen anytime soon.

Get better, big guy.

I probably could have expanded on that quite a bit, but I just didn't feel like it. But, I needed to write something, since it's been a long time since my last post. So, just for the hell of it, and because I'm a bit lazy, I'm going to throw another list out there.

The Ten Worst Songs on My iPod (in no particular order):
1. One Week, Barenaked Ladies. This song was evidently written on a dare. That's the only explanation. That, or they tried to see if they could cram twice as many words into a song as a song should have. I have no idea how this song was ever popular. To steal a line from Micah, this song is Tucking Ferrible.

2. Stiff Upper Lip, AC/DC. I like AC/DC. They rock, man. Just about everything they touch turns to rock. This song is awful. I don't know how else I can say it.

3. Peacemaker, Cowboy Mouth. The last song on what is by default their best album (since more than 3 of the songs are listenable). This song is such a steaming piece of crap. I think it's about a former cop, who may or may not be the father in law of the singer, who doesn't know what to do with himself now that he is retired. Riveting stuff.

4. High-Fiving MF, Local H. The lyrics of this song are as follows: "You high-fiving motherf*cker. You high-fiving motherf*cker. You high-fiving motherf*cker. You high-fiving motherf*cker." Who am I kidding, this song is awesome.

5. Walking Song, Meredith Monk. This song is on the soundtrack to the Big Lebowski, and seems to consist solely of some woman breathing heavily and whispering jibberish. If I'm wrong on that, somebody correct me. Listening to more than 45 seconds of it makes me want to smash something.

6. This Is the Time, Billy Joel. Trust me. This song is worse than Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called to Say I Love You," which is somehow not on my iPod.

7. Window of My World, Guided By Voices. This is another prime example of a horrible, horrible song by a great, hard-rocking band. Robert Pollard has put out something like 7,500 songs, though, so one or two of them are bound to suck.

8. Extraordinary, Better Than Ezra. See: One Week, Barenaked Ladies. These songs are basically interchangeable for me, in that I hate them both equally, however this has the added negative of being from one of my favorite bands, which makes me feel a little embarassed about admitting that I'm a fan. The other reason I'm embarassed to admit I'm a fan is that they haven't had a legitimate hit song in over a decade, and that was their only one. I have seen them more times than I can count (or remember, to put it more accurately), though, and they put on one hell of a show. So, you know what? I'm not embarassed. Say it loud. I like Better Than Ezra.

9. Taper Jean Girl/Pistol of Fire/Slow Night, So Long (tie), Kings of Leon. This band is a suckfest. I only have these three songs on my iPod because they are part of other compilations, and I didn't want to break up the continuity. However, make no mistake, this band is awful. Take the singer from Rusted Root and get him stone drunk to the point he can't stand up straight, then shove a few handfuls of cotton balls into his mouth, then ask him to sing, and I'd rather listen to that than to Kings of Leon. I don't know if I have been more disappointed by a band in my entire life.

10. Fishing in the Dark, The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Oh. My. God. My family LOVES this song, and I can't understand why. The lyrics are so bad they are like a caricature of a song. It's like they wrote a song and said, "Ok, now let's make this song at least 90 times worse that it is now." Absolutely horrible.

Bonus: Rock On, Michael Damian (remake). The original version of this song is pretty badass, by early 1970s standards. Then this soap opera star remade it for the Dream A Little Dream sountrack, and it was shot to hell. As if that wasn't bad enough, in 2006, it was remade again by Def Leppard. I rest my case.

I Don't Mind Stealing Bread From the Mouths of Decadence

(Temple of the Dog, Hunger Strike)

What a weekend.

Friday night, Amanda and I went to Fogo de Chao for David's birthday. That place is amazing! A bit more expensive than I'm used to, but I probably ate my money's worth.

Saturday I got to visit with a good friend who was in town to see her family, and meet her adorable 10-month old son. Later that afternoon our friend Neola came in to visit us, and we had dinner at One Midtown Kitchen, where I enjoyed the calamari appetizer, steak frites, and a warm chocolate truffle cake with a scoop of mint chocolate ice cream for dessert, all for $25 thanks to Restaurant Week.

Yesterday we decided to get out and walk off some of what we ate the night before, so we cruised over to the midtown Obama campaign office and picked up some voter registration materials, then went down to the Grant Park Festival and walked around for two hours or so, getting people to register to vote. It was pretty fun (though we really weren't there for a very long time), and it was kind of exciting to get involved and participate in some of the efforts on Obama's behalf. Then last night we cooked dinner at home (chicken with pineapple and rice) and watched Be Kind Rewind, which was pretty weird, but also pretty funny.

Today I cooked buckweat pancakes with strawberry maple syrup and some turkey sausage for breakfast, and we took Neola over to Decatur and walked around for a bit, then picked up a few things at the Dekalb Farmer's Market on the way home for dinner (my signature chicken with spicy tomato chutney, with rice and curry cauliflower). Right now I'm watching the Tennessee/UCLA game, and then we're probably going to pop in a movie.

I have to say I'm exhausted, and I think that's mainly from eating. I think I'm still tired from eating dinner on Friday night. Seriously, if you have some cash to drop, and a stomach whose boundaries you really want to test, then head to Fogo de Chao. And don't fill up on bread (or even eat any at all).

I Don't Care If You Hurt Me Some More, I Don't Care If You Even the Score

(The Cars, You're All I've Got Tonight)

I'm up doing a little work tonight, and taking a little break to nurse an upset stomach, so I figured I'd check in with my loyal readership. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

I had my second of three fantasy football drafts tonight, and it struck me that I should probably update everybody out there on who I drafted. I'm not sure why, it just seems like the right thing to do. And since I never posted my team from the first draft, I'll go ahead and list them both now, and probably update the third team sometime after it is drafted. We'll call tonight's draft "Team Two" and the draft from two weeks ago "Team One." Clever, I know.

Team One: (starters in bold)
QB Tomy Romo (DAL)
RB Steven Jackson (STL)
RB Maurice Jones-Drew (JAX)
WR Santonio Holmes (PIT)
WR Roy Williams (DET) (hookem)
WR Wes Welker (NE)
K Nate Kaeding (SD)
DEF Indianapolis Colts
RB Matt Forte (CHI)
RB Jonathan Stewart (CAR)
WR Anthony Gonzalez (IND)
QB Matt Ryan (ATL)
WR Donald Driver (GB)
TE Alge Crumpler (TEN)
WR DJ Hackett (CAR)
RB Mike Hart (IND)





Team Two: (starters in bold)
QB Tom Brady (NE)
RB Maurice Jones-Drew (JAX)
RB Matt Forte (CHI)
WR Calvin Johnson (DET)
WR Santonio Holmes (PIT)
WR Anquan Boldin (ARI)
TE Owen Daniels (HOU)
K Phil Dawson (CLE) (hookem)
DEF Jacksonville Jaguars
QB Matt Ryan (ATL)
RB Ricky Williams (MIA) (hookem)
RB DeAngelo Williams (CAR)
WR DJ Hackett (CAR)
WR Kevin Walter (HOU)

One thing I notice is that there are a few similarities between the two teams, notably MoJo Drew, Santonio Holmes, Matt Ryan and DJ Hackett. Another thing I notice is that for some of my players on team one, I also have their counterpart on team two, such as Stewart and Williams (RBs for Carolina), and Johnson and Williams (WRs for Detroit). Hopefully that won't come back to haunt me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try not to be sick.

New Car, Caviar, Four-Star Daydream, Think I'll Buy Me a Football Team

(Pink Floyd, Money)

/exhale

Thank you, St. Louis Rams, from the bottom of my wallet. Steven Jackson, my first round draft pick in my Chicken & Waffles league fantasy football draft a few weeks ago, has finally gotten the new contract he's been holding out for and reported to training camp.

This guy has the potential to have an absolutely HUGE season. I'm talking awesome numbers. Unfortunately, he's only got another 2 weeks to get himself up to speed with the offense before the season starts. I will say that the Rams did the right thing by paying him big money (up to $49.3 million!!), because he is the best thing they've got going, though I do wish he hadn't been such a punk and refused to report to camp until he signed an extension. I have to believe most of that was his agent's fault, but still, what ever happened to a contract binding both parties?? Why do athletes think it's ok to just refuse to play until their contract is renegotiated? What if a team decided not to pay the player until they scored more touchdowns?

Either way, welcome back, Mr. Jackson. Now get your ass ready for the Eagles.

Two Worlds Collide, Rival Nations. It's a Primitive Clash Venting Years of Frustration

(Survivor, Burning Heart)

United States v. Australia isn't exactly an age-old rivalry, but hey, this is the Olympics. I'm rooting against countries I didn't even know existed (when did Ivory Coast change it's name to Cote d'Ivoire??), so of course I was happy to see the Redeem Team (dumb) pull it together after the first quarter and dismantle the Aussies today, on their way to the semifinals against either Greece (boo!!) or Argentina (boo!! - sorry Manu). Hopefully Spain (boo!!) will beat Lithuania (boo!!) in their semifinal game so we can show those racist dogs who's boss in the final game.

I've been getting pretty into the Olympics this year. I always think I'm not really into the Summer Olympics, but I think I just forget how much fun they are, due to the fact that they're four years apart and only last two weeks. The Winter Olympics are always awesome - skiing and snowboarding are just too cool to forget about being excited for. But this year's Summer games have been great - I'm pretty sure I've never cared much about swimming (thanks, Phelps, you goofy looking bastard), women's gymnastics (check out this video of Alicia Sacramone knocking out some dude in his backyard), women's sand volleyball (Misty May sounds like a pornstar's name), or synchronized diving, but lately, I've been happy to watch it all and pretend that I understand why a 16.45 score is supposed to be so awesome. (Amanda, did you see that!! He got a 16.45!! That is unreal!!)

Of course, I have no idea what separates a 16.45 from a 15.25, nor do I understand why they don't just give them scores of 1-10 and then add them all up like they used to. Either way, keep at it, Team USA. After this is over, it's time for most of you to go back to school or find jobs, so enjoy it while it lasts.

Picket Lines and Picket Signs, Don't Punish Me With Brutality

(Marvin Gaye, What's Going On)



Check out this headline from CNN.com. Dozens of people? Dozens? What do you think they're saying out in Hollywood, while they're reading this article online?

DOZENS! THERE ARE LITERALLY 36 PEOPLE PROTESTING OUR MOVIE!! WE'RE FINISHED IN THIS BUSINESS!! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO LAW SCHOOL INSTEAD!!

And I Have Been Drunk Now For Over Two Weeks, I Passed Out and I Rallied and I Sprung a Few Leaks

(Jimmy Buffet, A Pirate Looks at Forty)

Just got back from a weekend in Long Beach. Tommy and I drove down for our fantasy football draft, which was Saturday afternoon. I'm pretty happy with my team, thanks to a bit of advance scouting and some draft day luck.

It was a really fun weekend, complete with some blackjack (lost $30 - not so bad), the draft, a visit to Waffle House, and an always enjoyable lunch at Pirate's Cove, which has moved into a temporary space further into Pass Christian. That roast beef po-boy is so good it makes my eyes water. And healthy, too!

One thing I did notice the other night, though, while we were watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, was that the US athletes kind of looked like douchebags. Why were they all wearing this ridiculous outfit? I'm not the biggest fan of the olympics in general, but I like watching US basketball, US hockey, rooting for the United States to win medals, and most importantly, rooting vehemently against all other countries. It's really the only opportunity we get to be blatantly nationalistic. But really? This outfit was ridiculous. Lenny thought they looked like sailors, which doesn't necessarily justify it. I just thought it looked like Halloween, and everyone wore the same crappy costume. And in at least one instance, the First Lady of the United States might have had reason to fear for her sexual well-being.

I developed a pretty nasty sinus headache on the way home, and I was feeling pretty wrecked when I got home last night, but I'm feeling much better now. In case you're wondering.

Bacon Bacon Bacon Coffee Milkshake Egg and Waffle

(Electric Fetus, The Brunch Rap)

This past weekend Amanda and I celebrated Barack Obama's upcoming birthday (Aug. 4) by having brunch twice. And test-driving scooters.

Saturday we returned to the Social House, finally meeting up with some friends we've been trying to get together with since April. Doesn't seem like it would be so hard to do, but evidently it was quite a scheduling nightmare. The first time we ate there, the coffee was miserable (thankfully they've rectified that situation), and I had the "whole farm breakfast sandwich" (yes, those are belgian waffle sections instead of bread). I'll probably have to go back to the sandwich again at some point, but once I discovered how good their shrimp & grits were (with andouille sausage!), it has been hard to stray from that. Next time, though, I'm going to have to go with the savory bread pudding, topped with shrimp. I had a bite of it, and I can't wait to go back to eat the whole plate.

Sunday we went down into Kirkwood to check out a friend's house and neighborhood. It was nice, we drove around a bit, looking at some of the homes for sale, and some of the hookers walking the streets at noon on a Sunday. What can I say, we love diversity. If we do end up in Kirkwood, it will certainly be better than living across the street from the Department of Corrections Transitional Housing Center, and next door to a meth lab. We ate at Sun In My Belly, which is exactly as cute of a place as it's name would suggest. They had a jazz guitarist with a female vocalist for your Sunday Brunch Entertainment, and I had an omelet with cheddar cheese, red onion, avocado, and pulled pork. It was awesome.

As I mentioned above, we also test drove some scooters. Actually, we took turns on the same scooter. It was pretty fun. We went over to ATL Scooters, just for the hell of it, and started looking at some of the ones on display. We talked to a salesman for awhile before getting him to take us across the street to the Kroger parking lot for a quick test drive (they don't normally do test drives on Saturdays, but he was nice enough to oblige us anyway). We're not really in the market for a scooter, but if we were, it would certainly save us a bunch of money. For starters, they only run about $1700, which is about $1700 less than I was expecting. Secondly, despite it's small gas tank (1.5 gallons), it gets insane mileage, to the tune of 80 miles per gallon. That's 120 miles to the tank, at a whopping $6.50 or so, to fill it up. That's about a month of driving to and from work, for $6.50. Unbelieveable.

We were a bit shaky at first, but started to get the hang of it. I'm sure with a little bit of practice, we'd be pros. And yes, mom, we wore helmets. I've got a picture of Amanda riding, I'll have to put it up later, after I get home.

Baby I'm Not Trying to Make Amends For Coming to Los Angeles (No More Boston)

(Counting Crows, Los Angeles)

It is a dark day for Red Sox Nation.

When the Sox dealt Nomar back in 2004, he wasn't the same player he once was, and they did, of course, go on to win the World Series that year, so who can argue with anything they did that season? After that season, they cut the cord on Pedro, which seemed like an insane move at the time (except for the money factor), but in hindsight really was a great move for them, because he's been injury-plagued ever since, and hasn't really regained any of what he had during his heyday in Boston. Derek Lowe, Billy Mueller, and Orlando Cabrera all saw Boston in their rearview as well shortly thereafter. Even former manager Grady Little was gone (after the 2003 playoff debacle), though not too many people really missed him all that much.

The strange thing is, all of those guys except Pedro ended up in Los Angeles, and all but Cabrera ended up on the Dodgers (Cabrera went to the Angels). When we lived in LA, I would occasionally go to Dodger games with Josh, Jeremy, Jason, and a few other people whose names didn't start with J, and it felt natural for me to wear my Red Sox hat to Dodger Stadium, since we had fielded so much of their team for them. In fact, I even got yelled at once in the bleachers, while I was there with my sister, and when some drunk guy told me to "Go back to Boston, buddy!", I calmly (maybe not so calmly) responded, "Hey, we gave you half of your team!" He just shrugged his shoulders and sat back down.

Well, today the tradition continues. Manny Ramirez, the embattled, dreadlocked, power hitting, (possibly) clinically insane, RBI machine, protector of David Ortiz's strike zone, has finally been traded. To the Dodgers. As if it had been scripted. Sure, he's been asking for a trade for years now, but he usually forgets about that a few weeks later, and knocks in 50 more runs before the season ends. It did seem like an inevitability this time around, but I was still holding on to a little bit of hope that maybe this would blow over and he'd keep high-fiving fans while catching fly balls, before gunning out a runner from left-fucking-field. Seriously. Watch this video. It's awesome.

This is what we're losing. We're also losing, indirectly, the potency of Big Papi's bat, because without Manny hitting behind him, he's going to be walking to first on a much more frequent basis.

The only real silver lining to this would be, now that Manny's in LA, if they finally make a movie about him, like I've been saying for years, if they get Donald Faison to play him. They might as well be brothers, or at least cousins. Right?

I'm Passing Sleeping Cities, Fading By Degrees, Not Believing All I See To Be So

(Tom Petty, Saving Grace)

It's been over a month since I last posted. Incredibly, this was brought to my attention by more than one person in the past few days. Even more incredibly, none of those people were my parents.

Let's take a quick look back at the past 5-6 weeks in a little segment I like to call: "The Highlights." (I never said it would be clever.)

• I spent a few days in New York, which included meeting my cousin's newborn baby (adorable), eating at one of Bobby Flay's restaurants (delicious), wandering aimlessly around Manhattan (I walked past Ryan Adams on Bleeker Street!), and catching up with some old friends at the illustrious Grassroots. Downside? For some reason, Grassroots no longer has Bruce Springsteen's Greatest Hits on the jukebox. Pour some out for 3803 (Badlands). Very depressing.



• Amanda returned from Israel. What this means, aside from the fact that I was incredibly happy to have her home, is that I did a serious amount of cleaning, including both dry AND wet swiffers.



• Our friends Seth and Miriam got married. The wedding was here in Atlanta, which was awesome, because we didn't have to buy plane tickets or hotel rooms. Also, it was a ridiculously good time.



• Our nation turned 232 years old. Doesn't look a day over 197, if you ask me. We celebrated by going to three cookouts in one afternoon. Remind me not to do that again.



• We saw Tom Petty and Steve Winwood in concert. Wow. Amazing show. Petty played like one new song, the rest were his older hits, which means he knows exactly why people are coming to see him after all these years. The highlights were "Don't Come Around Here No More," "Gimme Some Lovin" (with Winwood on vocals and keyboards - awesome!), and when some drunk chick started talking to me like she knew me, and continued doing so even though I was staring at her like she had just grown a third arm out of her head.



• My sister got engaged! Congratulations to Michelle and Justin. Just remember - nothing guarantees a fun wedding like an open bar.



• Five days at the beach in Gulf Shores with a bunch of friends from the LBC. I'm not a huge beach person - I much prefer a pool (not big on sand) - but man, that was relaxing. I was probably ready to leave by the time we left, but it would be great to take a short trip like that twice a year or so. I also got a Goddaughter, which makes me, that's right, the Godfather. Don't think I haven't had way too much fun with that. Because I have. More fun than a person should be allowed.



• The Dark Knight solidified its place as the most anticipated movie of the summer that completely lived up to its hype. I can't even describe how much I liked it, especially without seeing it again, which I think might have to happen soon. Without trying to sound like every single movie reviewer (and failing miserably), Heath Ledger deserved every bit of praise for his Joker role as he's been getting. Such a disturbing plot, and sharp commentary on current political situations. Just awesome.



• And last, but certainly not least, our friends Jeff & Kristin's son Jake, born an astonishing 12 weeks premature, has been not only plugging along like a trooper, but absolutely thriving - he is getting larger and stronger by the day, and is looking adorable beyond measure. I am by no means a very religious man, however this kid's short but strong history points squarely toward the work of a higher power.
  

Well, that about sums it up. For the two or three of you who have missed me, and for Mom and Dad, I'll try to be a bit more regular with my posts.

I Walked Into a Local Record Store and Asked for an American Music Anthology

(New Pornographers, Myriad Harbour)

I'm about to head out the door to the airport - weekend in NYC. I couldn't be more excited to be spending some time in the City, and seeing my family, although I have seen my family once or twice in the last 5 years, though it has been 5 years since I've really spent any time in the greatest city in the world, so that's really what I'm pumped about.

I'm sure I'll have some sort of report post-trip, but in the meantime, here's another mixtape, New York style. Enjoy, and have a good weekend.

We've Got Solid-State Technology, Tapes on the Floor, and Some Songs We Can't Afford to Play

(Wilco, Red-Eyed & Blue)

So, I started making this mixtape last night, while I was sitting around, bored and watching whatever was on the Food Network, and I started putting together some of the songs I've been listening to lately, and then I realized that it was sort of turning into an "I miss Amanda" mix (she's in Israel right now, for another 2 weeks, in case anybody didn't know), so rather than fighting it, I just embraced it (which is about where Transatlanticism made its appearance). Deal with it. Actually, there's only like maybe one sappy song on there, the rest of it is, if I may, pretty damn good.

But All the Promises We Break, From the Cradle to the Grave, When All I Want Is You

(U2, All I Want Is You)

This was just too good to resist. I wish there were a caption contest for this picture so I could win it with the following:



We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.



The look on Paul Rudd's face when Champ says "I miss your musk," makes me want to pee in my pants from laughing.

When Happily Ever After Fails, and We've Been Poisoned By These Fairy Tales

(Don Henley, The End of the Innocence)

Remember when I said that I knew who won Top Chef? Well, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I was wrong. I watched last night's finale over at Bloomfield Manor (thanks guys), and it was a pretty good one. Exciting to literally the final minute, as the three of us had absolutely no idea who the winner was going to be until revealed by the lovely and talented Padma, who, by the way, gave us this golden nugget in an LA Times interview:

People want individuality and something that's authentic and soulful. I'd like to do a show where I'm cooking a stew for friends and while it's bubbling I go, 'Hey, let's listen to this amazing boot- leg concert of Led Zeppelin from 1968.' Or I would read you poetry while the soufflé is cooking.

Despite the fact that it sounded a little forced, I vote for the Zeppelin.

The shocking part about last night's finale was the way Richard completely choked. He was probably the frontrunner from the very first episode (as well as who I thought was going to win, based on what I was told), and then last night he really just clammed up and cooked a serviceable meal, but nothing as inspired as to bring home the title. I'm still very excited to go try his restaurant here in the ATL, though, as he's one hell of a chef.

I was also pretty shocked that Lisa, who, according to the subject line of an email my old roommate Josh sent me last week, "= farts," (a sentiment I completely agree with), really seemed to cook a great meal, probably one good enough to have won the competition. Of course, she was still a bitch, but for the first time, it looked like her food was worthy. It's just amazing, though, that she even made the finals, considering that she was in the bottom three for like 4 or 5 straight weeks. Essentially, she wasn't in the finals because she was strong, she was in the finals because she wasn't as weak as the weakest person in each challenge. If she had won, there would have been an uproar. By me. I would have been in an uproar.

Stephanie was (along with Richard, who pulled a Nick Anderson last night) highly deserving of the championship this season. She was a great cook, she had a great personality and never got in anyone's face, and she dances a great little jig when she gets excited. All the ingredients of a champion, if you ask me. (Here's the footage of Stephanie being announced as the winner. The jig makes its appearance around the 2:50 mark, in case anybody is interested.)

The thing is, it did seem like her meal last night was very good, but maybe not as good as Lisa's, although they didn't let me taste the food, so I don't know for sure. But it kind of seems like they were neck and neck, and the fact that Stephanie has been a rock star all season long, and is, you know, likeable as a person, sort of pushed her over the edge. I'm not so sure that's the way it should be done, even though I'm happy with the results. I mean, it's a competition, and this was the finals. Think about it like a sporting event. The Patriots famously went 18-0 last season, before meeting the 10-6 Giants in the Super Bowl. We all know what happened. That was an upset, and they happen all the time. It wasn't like, "oh, well, maybe the Patriots' game wasn't quite as good as the Giants' game tonight, but they had a better season, so we're going to give them the title anyway." That would be INSANE.

But that's kind of what happened last night. The chefs cooked 4 courses each. The judges liked Stephanie's the best in the 1st and 3rd course, and Lisa's the best in the 2nd and 4th course. (Sorry, Richard.) They were literally heaping praise on Lisa's soup (2nd course), to the point that we all thought she was taking the title right there. Then when discussing the desserts (4th course), Gail actually said "Stephanie's dessert sucked." Lisa's 2nd and 4th courses seemed to be head and shoulders ahead of Stephanie's, whereas Stephanie's 1st and 3rd courses just seemed to be marginally better than Lisa's. On her 3rd course, the judges even told her that her leeks weren't cooked and they couldn't figure out why they were there in the first place. Then, just before they announced the winner, Colleccio said that they based their decision on "whose meal we'd like to go back and have again."

I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist (my LOST posts notwithstanding), but I do think that last night might not have been entirely above board, at least in light of Colleccio's comment. I'm happy with the winner, because I think Stephanie totally deserved to win, and because Lisa sucks in a way that cannot be put into words, but I think that maybe the pedestal on which I place the integrity of Reality TV might need to be lowered just a bit, and that, my friends, is a sad fact. A sad fact, indeed.

There Been Times I Thought I Couldn't Last for Long, But Now I Think I'm Able to Carry On

(Sam Cooke, A Change Is Gonna Come)

What a great night. (And a great speech!)

I've Been LOST Since She's Gone, The Piano She's Really On, I Don't Want You to Marry Me, Make Believe You're Debbie G (Part 2)

(click here for Part One)

So, after watching last week's finale again, after Amanda got home on Saturday, I've got a few new theories, I think. We'll get to those at the bottom. Picking up where we left off ...



22. Hurley was visited in the institution by Walt, who may or may not have made his grandmother drive him from Brooklyn to Santa Rosa to do so. I once asked my grandmother to buy me the Guns N Roses "Appetite for Destruction" tape when I was 11. She said no. Yet Walt was able to persuade his grandmother to take him almost 3,000 miles to visit somebody that she's never even met, who lives in a mental health facility? Man, that kid IS special!

23. While visiting Hurley, Walt complains that nobody visited him after they got home. Quit crying, kid. Did you visit any of them? I mean, they were all on the news when they got home, right? He does tell Hurley that Jeremy Bentham visited him, though, and asks Hurley why they're all lying about what happened. (Is it just me, or wasn't it Locke's idea in the first place for them to lie??) Hurley tells him they're lying to protect everyone who didn't make it back.

24. "Like my dad?" asks Walt, who seems to have been heartbreakingly waiting for three years for Michael to get home. What Walt doesn't know is that Michael, who, despite repeated attempts to end his own life, was seemingly being kept alive by The Island until he redeemed himself, and redemption, it seems, is immediately followed by a visit from Christian Shephard.

25. Michael did a few bad things before he left The Island with Walt, including turning Jack, Sawyer and Kate over to Ben and The Others, as well as unforgivably overemoting in just about every episode he was in for the entire second season, screaming "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLTTT!!!!" every chance he got. Seriously, he used that like punctuation. Oh, and one of the other bad things he did was to shoot Libby in the stomach, and right after she had done a load of sheets and towels in the hatch's laundry room. Not cool, man.

26. Libby seemed to take a bit of a shine to Hurley, who, in turn, also took a bit of a shine to her as well. Strangely enough, though, she also showed up in one of Hurley's flashbacks, when he was in the institution. He had that imaginary friend, Dave, and when the doctor was showing him that the picture he took of Hurley and Dave really only had Hurley in it, the camera panned over and showed a very creepy and dishevelled Libby, who also seemed to be a patient in the same facility. I'd love to get some more background on that one day.

27. Libby also met Desmond in a coffee shop years ago, randomly, when he asked her for some change because he didn't have enough money for his coffee. They got to talking, after she bought him the coffee, and as it turns out, he was planning to enter a boat race, and Libby just happened to have a boat she didn't need! So, to recap, Desmond asked her for some change for his coffee, because he didn't have enough money, and, naturally, she bought him a coffee and gave him a boat. I've seen it happen hundreds of times.

28. Desmond needed this boat so he could enter Mr. Widmore's "Great Race Around the World Designed to Maroon My Daughter's Douchebag Boyfriend on a Remote Island, Never to Be Heard From Again." I'm sure it sounded promising in the brochure.

29. Mr. Widmore was trying to get rid of Desmond because he didn't think he was good enough for his daughter, Penny, who then spent the next 3 years or so obsessively searching for him, most likely using her father's money to do so. Nice one, jackass.

30. Let's get back to Libby for a sec. So, not everybody saw this, but when they replayed the first part of the finale, before airing the 2-hour episode, they added one extra question into the press conference of the Oceanic 6, after they returned to civilization. What was asked was whether there were any other survivors of the crash, to which Jack responded that there were three other survivors of the plane crash, but that they all died after reaching the island. He named Libby, Charlie, and Boone as those survivors. To me, that is just too random (especially with the inclusion of Boone) to not have some meaning, or be explained at some point why they chose to name those three.

31. Boone hasn't even been seen (other than in one of Locke's hallucinations) since the first season, when he died helping Locke uncover the hatch. And it is worth noting that he slept with his sister, Shannon. She was pretty smoking hot, but it was still a strange thing to do.

32. Charlie was also named as one of those survivors, which doesn't seem to make any sense either, aside from the fact that he died heroically trying to save everyone's life. His connection to Claire is fairly obvious to anyone who ever saw the show in the first 3 seasons. And if you're reading this, and you never saw the first 3 seasons, then stop reading and go Netflix them this minute.

33. Claire, as we all know, is the real mother of Aaron, who is being raised (and passed off as her own) by Kate. Claire came to visit Kate in a dream sequence in the season finale, when she told Kate to never bring Aaron back to The Island. It was creepy, to say the least.

34. Kate and Sawyer have always had an on again, off again kind of thing. They're like Ross and Rachel from Friends, only if Ross and Rachel were both criminals with a history of murder. They even had sex in a polar bear cage while in captivity (but really, who hasn't had sex in a polar bear cage while in captivity?). Kate was busted by Jack a few weeks ago, doing some favor for Sawyer, about a year or so after they left The Island (possibly checking on Sawyer's daughter?). This may have been what Sawyer whispered to Kate before kissing her (take THAT, Jack!) and jumping out of the helicopter, heroically sacrificing himself so the rest of the people wouldn't throw Hurley overboard when the chopper was losing fuel.

35. After jumping out of the chopper, a fully-clothed Sawyer started his mile or so swim back to The Island, where he emerged shirtless (??) from the water, and happened upon Juliet sitting on the beach, drinking some Dharma Rum, watching the smoke from the freighter explosion. Hmm... No Jack, no Ben, no Kate. Dharma Rum. Bow-chicka-bow-bow. Somebody's going to be getting busy in the Burger King bathroom.

36. Switching gears, we saw Sun confront her father, Mr. Paik of Paik Automotive (like Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration), having used her settlement from Oceanic to orchestrate a takeover of his company. She apparently used five banks in the deal, which could be a misdirection pointing toward the settlements received by Jack, Kate, Sayid and Hurley. I don't imagine that her settlement from Oceanic was large enough on its own to buy a controlling share of Paik Automotive. Amanda thinks maybe Hurley helped her out with his lotto winnings. That's possible also.

37. But she blames her father as one of the two people responsible for the death of her husband, Jin. Jin got out of the engine room a little too late and missed his chopper ride, standing on the deck of the ship while Sun (in an absolutely terrific acting display, all joking aside) went completely bat-shit as the chopper flew away. Seriously, that was heartwrenching. And also, upon my second viewing, it was also interesting how she kept screaming "WE HAVE TO GO BACK!!", echoing Jack screaming "WE HAVE TO GO BACK!!" to Kate in the flash-forward at the airport. Speaking of Jack...

38. Sun also blames Jack for Jin's death, or so he seems to think. But is Jack really the other person she blames? We'll talk more about that later.

39. Jack and Locke. These guys are like the Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton of the crash survivors. The bad guy is really Ben Linus (or Widmore, or who knows what the hell is really going on), who we will feature in this analogy as our John McCain. Anyway, instead of banding together against the real evil party, they attack, attack, attack each other every chance they get, until finally their bitterness infects the entire "Party" and they splinter off into two groups, never to be allies again. Though, it does seem that 3 years into the future, they will be briefly reunited, but that doesn't really fit into my analogy. Or does it ... ?? No, probably not.

40. Locke, after being pushed out of an eighth-story window by his loving father, was in physical therapy in a rehab facility when he was visited by Matthew Abbadon, who was posing as an orderly, and suggested to Locke that he travel to Australia to go on a Walkabout. Locke, skeptical as always, noted that he was in a wheelchair and couldn't walk anywhere. Abbadon left him in the elevator alone, as the doors were closing, and said "when we meet each other again, you'll owe me one." Weird.

41. Abbadon also visited Hurley in the Santa Rosa facility, after he returned from The Island, posing as a lawyer for Oceanic Airlines, asking him something like, "Are there still people alive on The Island?" or something like that, before Hurley freaked out and Abbadon left before anyone could talk to him. Weird.

42. Abbadon ALSO is the one who hired Naomi (Locke's favorite knife-throwing target) to lead the helicopter mission, with Faraday, Charlotte, Lapidis, and Miles, who were all hand-picked by him to go on this mission. And he may or may not work for Widmore, and he may or may not represent the interests of The Island. Weird.

43. Charlotte and Faraday have been with the beach camp (Jack's group) for pretty much the whole time since their chopper landed on The Island. Faraday has a little crush on Charlotte (that must be why he never took off his tie for like 3 weeks), which she knows about and appears not to care. He tried to get her to come with him when he was ferrying people back to the freighter, and she opted to stay on The Island, because she's still looking for where she was born. Huh?

44. "If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume is my constant."

45. "See you in another life, brutha."

46. After the Oceanic 6 shove off from The Searcher in their raft, Lapidis stays on board with Penny, Desmond, and Penny's small army of Portuguese sailors. They should have all been wearing matching outfits like Team Zissou, that would have made my day.

47. Truthfully, I have absolutely no idea why I connected Lapidis to Locke and numbered it "47." I'm sorry. I can't think of a single reason why this would have made sense to me at the time. I might have just been on overload, though. This does get a bit confusing.

48. But since we're back to Locke, can we discuss why he was visited by the ageless wonder Richard Alpert (he's like Dick Clark, this guy!) as a baby, as a little boy, and as a high school student (via his science teacher pimping out his Mittelos "science camp")?? Obviously Richard has always known of Locke's destiny, though 6-year old Locke really wanted that rusty old knife, and Richard sure didn't like that one bit. I would also like to reiterate what I said a few weeks ago, which is that the drawing of the smoke monster by a young John Locke is one of the weirdest things I've seen on this show. It might be weirder than the smoke monster himself.

49. John Locke is now the leader of The Others. The King is dead, long live the King! I was going to go with "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss," but made the switch at the last minute. I think either would have gotten the job done, though. Locke's going to struggle in this role, and I think it's going to make Ben's actions over the past 3 years look a bit more sympathetic.

50. Locke will also have to deal with Sawyer and Juliet, in one way or another. His first rule should be a strict 8:00 p.m. curfew for these two, because they're totally going to be doing it every chance they get. They're like a couple of horny teenagers who've found their parents stash of Dharma Rum.

51. Locke and Ben. Starcrossed lovers, except, not lovers. Both born 3 months premature (which is conspicuously when the women on The Island die during pregnancy), both have mothers named Emily, both know how to do that thing with their eyes where they look really crazy. These two are like Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, or Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. Sure, they spent a lot of time fighting and making each other completely miserable. But in the end, they need each other, and the sooner Bobby and Whitney realize that, the better off we'll all be.

That's it. Finito.

Now, there are a few things I didn't get into in this Island flow-chart expository thing I've wasted everybody's time with.

First of all, John Locke changes his name to Jeremy Bentham. Something unforseeable has to happen to make everyone who already knew him as John Locke call him by his new name. Like, I mentioned to my buddy Will the other day when we were talking about this, if Will decided to change his name to George Miller, I'd still call him Will. Something's gonna go down, and it's going to be big.

Second, according to Miles, Charlotte has been trying for so long to get "back" to The Island. What could that mean? Some have speculated that she was with Dharma before the purge, and she's clearly not an "Other". We never saw what happened to Ben's little friend Annie, though I don't think she is Annie. But could she be Annie's sister? Or daughter?? The best part of that scene was when Charlotte asked Miles "What do you mean?" and he said "Yeah, what DO I mean??" and just walked away with a smirk. Well played, sir.

Third, and I know I've been saying this for a few months now, but I will say now I think I might have been wrong. I'm going to reverse course and say that I no longer think Jin is dead. I thought he was going to die all season, because I didn't think that Sun could (or more to the point, would) keep up the facade that they were the only survivors if he were still alive on The Island. But now, after seeing her completely freak out as that chopper pulled away, she clearly thinks he IS dead. Which makes me think he is alive, and that maybe he jumped off the ship and was able to swim away before it exploded. Unlikely, sure, but come on. People die and come back all the time on TV, especially on this show.

Fourth, and this is the one that's been giving me headaches for the past few days, is, who is the other person that Sun blames for Jin's death? And what are the "common interests" she was referring to when she approached Widmore in London.

Jack told Ben that Sun blames him for Jin's death (I guess because he wouldn't let Kate go after him when they jumped on the chopper). But I think that's just his own guilt talking. I think the person she really blames is Desmond, because Desmond and Jin were both in that engine room with the bomb, and all she knows is that Desmond got out and Jin didn't. She doesn't know that Jin tried to stay to diffuse the bomb, and even if she did, it would probably offer little consolation.

As far as the "common interests" she mentioned to Widmore are concerned, she also said "As you know, we're not the only people that left The Island." At first I thought she was referring to Ben, and was telling him that because she knew that Widmore had been after Ben for so many years. Then I changed my mind and thought she was referring to Desmond, because Widmore was probably still looking for Desmond and Penny. And while that may be true, I don't think that's what she meant, either.

That scene seemed to take place in the same three-years-in-the-future time frame as the rest of the flash-forwards did in that episode, because she was on the phone talking to her daughter, who was born about 6 months after they got off The Island, so it would have to be far enough into the future for her daughter to be able to talk to her mother on the phone, even for a short conversation. In that time frame, three years into the future, we know that Jack and Kate (and Walt) were all visited by Jeremy Bentham, and we know that Sayid and Hurley have some knowledge of Bentham, because Sayid came to get Hurley after Bentham was killed.

So, presumably, Bentham was visiting everyone from The Island, to try to get them all to go back, going so far as to tell Jack that some very bad things had happened after they left. But we never saw or heard any mention of him from Sun like we did from the rest of them. I'm guessing if he visited the rest of them, he visited her as well, and probably told her some of the same things. And I'm guessing that she didn't like what she heard, which may have involved Keamy's death (and Locke's failure to prevent it) setting off the explosion on the ship. And knowing what she does about Widmore, I think Sun went to him to avenge Jin's death by giving him information about Jeremy Bentham, leading to Widmore finding and killing Bentham (making it look like suicide, like Sayid said). So, what I'm saying is, I think Sun, who is clearly a different woman than she was before crashing on The Island, went to Widmore to turn over what she knew about Bentham.

Don't ask me to explain it any further than that, because I can't. It's just a hunch. And since my hunches are usually fairly wrong, don't put any stock in it.

I've Been LOST Since She's Gone, The Piano She's Really On, I Don't Want You to Marry Me, Make Believe You're Debbie G

(The Pixies, Make Believe)

I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to have a hard time waiting until January 2009 for the next season of Lost to start. By then, I'm going to be fully bearded, washing pills down with vodka, and blasting the Pixies in my jeep, screaming, "WE HAVE TO GO BACK!!" (Actually, I'll probably be fully bearded long before then, and clean shaven again, without the drug problem, but still blasting the Pixies in my Mazda 626. Man, I love the Pixies.)

After last night's finale was over, I wasn't as instantly mind blown as I was after last season, with the reveal of the flash-forward, but this was so much more of a big-picture kind of thing, that it has been kind of tough to get my head around it all. I am very excited, though, for the next two seasons of concurrent storylines between the civilization group and The Island group. I might have more to say later on, after it sets in a little, but last night featured so many aspects and characters, that I was thinking earlier about who all was on the show last night, either in person or just in name, and it was a staggering amount of characters. At lunch today, I tried drawing out sort of a flow-chart, to better visualize who was tied to who, and I think I ended up confusing myself even more. See for yourself (you can click to enlarge) - though please understand that this image may be a bit disturbing, as it is direct evidence of my level of obsession with this show.



So, I figured the best way for me to conceptualize and get some thoughts down would just be to take one red line at a time and literally spell out each connection. I have no idea if this will be interesting or not, but it could take awhile. I might have to post it in more than one installment.

1. Ben Linus and Charles Widmore, aka Caleb Nichol. Obviously, they hate each other. Widmore is angry with Ben, presumably, for purging the Dharma Initiative people, and possibly for having The Island moved and preventing him from finding it (or returning to it?). Ben, clearly, blames Widmore for Alex's death, but can't kill him for some reason. It seemed like Ben's episode a few weeks ago showed him jumping through time, and that maybe he couldn't kill Widmore because Widmore was his constant. However, after last night, I'm not so sure. It is possible that by moving The Island last night, it sent Ben through some sort of time-space wormhold, in which he would need a constant, but whereas a few weeks ago I thought he could just jump back and forth, I don't think that anymore, and I think last night was his only shot. Now he's in real world time, along with the rest of the Oceanic 6.

2. Ben told Widmore that because he "changed the rules" and killed Alex, that he was going to take revenge by killing Penny. Which leads us to...

2a. If Ben wants to kill Penny, he's going to have to go through Desmond to do so. I read in an interview that Ben and Desmond have never had a scene together yet. Could be a good one if they end up colliding in season 5 or 6.

3. Widmore and Mr. Paik, Sun's father, have some sort of business relationship, though I'm sure it will be revealed to run deeper than that.

4. Widmore hired Keamy, a mercenary with a bloodlust rivaled by nobody, to find Ben at all costs and bring him back alive. Keamy was also going to follow "secondary protocol" and torch The Island. (I read in an interview - no real spoilers, I promise! - that Keamy was going about his job with such efficiency and zeal because it had something to do with his family. So, despite the fact that he is ostensibly dead in the Orchid Station, he may show back up in a flashback, or his family may show up - or be someone we already know?)

5. Keamy was killed by Ben in the Orchid Station, which in turn set off the 1.21 gigawatts of explosives on the freighter. Since we're back to Ben, ...

6. Ben's got a pretty large connection now to the Oceanic 6, in that he's now a "castaway" from The Island as well. But he's trying to get back, it seems, and he's going to help (use?) the Oceanic 6 to get back as well.

7. Ben showed up at the funeral parlor last night, scaring the crap out of both Jack and myself, after Jack busted the door in to get a look inside the coffin of ...

8. Jeremy Bentham. JEREMY BENTHAM?? Holy cow, man. Jeremy Bentham, according to Wikipedia, was a utilitarian, advocating for the greater good. The two things that stuck out about the article to me were: 1. He was one of the earliest proponents of animal rights, claiming that the benchmark of how we treat other beings (such as animals, babies, and those with disabilities) should not be based on their ability to reason, but their ability to suffer; and 2. In accordance with his will, his body was preserved and stored in a wooden cabinet at University College of London, and if the College Council's vote on any motion ends in a tie, his body will always break the tie by voting in favor of the motion. That is weird, man. God bless Wikipedia.

9. So, Jeremy Bentham is John Locke, but what we don't know is when, how, or why that name change takes place. And why do they all call him that in the future, when they all knew him on The Island as Locke?? Is it going to be, like, a Jacob (Jacob?) wrestling the angel, then changing his name to Israel, kind of thing? Or is it just an alias that he uses when travelling to South Central LA, because it sounds so down to earth??

10. John Locke. Jeremy Bentham. Whoever he is, he's dead. And, he's got to go with the Oceanic 6 back to The Island, if they ever want to get back there again. Why is that, do you ask? Could it be that he needs to be brought back to The Island in order to rise from the dead? Hmm, transporting a casket to The Island in order to have its occupant become undead. That sounds familiar, no? Sort of sounds like ...

11. Christian Shephard!! You may know him alternatively as either (a) guy who speaks for Jacob in Jacob's cabin, or (b) creepy dude holding babies in the jungle. You might also know him as ...

12. Father of Jack, or ...

13. Father of Claire, which makes Claire ...

14. Jack's half sister. Sorry, if this is getting boring.

15. Claire's also Aaron's real mom, although

16. Aaron is not only being raised by Kate, but being passed off as her own baby. Why not just say that Claire died in the crash? Probably because Kate needed some good PR before her murder trial, and a baby would make her more sympathetic.

17. Kate and Jack have the obvious long-standing connection, but I am going to enjoy the way they interact now that they're not on good terms. Hopefully there will be more slaps across the face handed out by Kate. Jack probably deserves it. The engaged, lovey dovey stuff was boring me to tears, except for the scenes with Kate in her pajamas (or lack thereof).

18. Though Jack loves Kate, he also has a bit of a thing for Juliet, who's acting skills consist entirely of showing cleavage and moving her mouth into weird positions constantly. Unfortunately, she's stuck on The Island drinking Dharma Rum, probably listening to a lot of Jimmy Buffett records.

19. Juliet was brought to The Island in the first place by everyone's favorite badguy, Ben Linus, either because he needed her to figure out the whole "women dying during pregnancy" thing, or because he was bored with all of the other women there and needed to ruin someone else's life in fruitless pursuit of sex. Could go either way.

20. Since we're back to Ben, for the time being, we can connect him to Sayid, who has become his own personal assassin, killing off whoever Ben tells him to. Sayid sometimes kills people on his own, though, such as ...

21. The guy parked outside Hurley's mental health facility last night, when he came to rescue (?) Hurley from the facility. Hurley didn't seem too surprised to see him, and they both seemed to know about this Jeremy Bentham character. It was strange that he didn't take anything with him or even change out of his bathrobe when he left ...

21a. Though he did finish his chess game with Mr. Eko. "Checkmate, Mr. Eko." Creepy. However, I find it hard to believe that even an imaginary Mr. Eko would lose to Hurley in a game of chess. Seems like simulated warfare might be an area in which Eko would excel.

My head is pounding. Part Two will have to come later, along with some good old fashioned random thoughts.

War! It Ain't Nothing But a Heartbreaker ... War! Friend Only To The Undertaker

(Edwin Starr, War)

I'm not really in the mood to write very much tonight, so this might (might) end up being my shortest Top Chef post to date. I just had to sit through the two-hour finale of Desperate Housewives on the DVR, and I'm quite certain that I am now much stupider than I was at 8:00.

Full disclosure: I found out last night who wins this season of Top Chef. I won't say who it is, and the only hint you get is that I found out last night who wins this season of Top Chef.

I'm guessing tonight's episode is going to open up with Spike sulking around the house, now that Andrew's gone. Of course, I'm wrong. Colleccio shows up at 5:45 a.m. and wakes everyone up. He looks like he's had some coffee. Their Quickfire Challenge tonight is to work the egg station at Lou Mitchell's, a breakfast joint in Chicago. Pretty cool, actually. I'm a big breakfast guy, so this is going to be interesting. Stephanie and Richard are having a hard time, and Antonia seemed to do pretty well. Dale gets bombarded by 4 orders at once, and looks like a pro. Antonia and Dale were both singled out as the best, but Antonia gets top honors, along with some sort of advantage for the ...

Elimination Challenge: They end up in an empty loft space where Padma throws down the Restaurant Wars challenge. Everybody is fully jazzed, as this is what they're all here for anyway. Antonia gets to choose her team and picks Stephanie and Richard. Dale and Lisa are going to kill each other tonight. Dale is the team's executive chef, and surprise, they're going with an Asian theme. Spike wants them all to be professional. Good luck with that.

$1500 at Whole Foods (insert obligatory Whole Foods Is Expensive joke here), then they go to Pier One Imports (this mall's got everything!) for restaurant decor. Team Douchebag (that's Lisa's team) buys a ton of Budda stuff at Pier One. Team Discovery Channel is going with a Gastro Pub menu (American style food, which Richard explains after putting massive amounts of product in his hair.

Colleccio is away tonight, and his replacement is none other than Anthony Bourdain (wearing Colleccio's blue chef's coat). He's digging Team Discovery Channel's stuff so far, and Team Douchebag might (might) be up the proverbial creek of shit, as Bourdain has travelled extensively in Asia and loves Asian food, so he's going to be a tough judge. Bourdain brings out Andrew, Jenn, Nikki and New Zealand (welcome back, everyone!) and lets each team pick one person to help out. Jenn and Nikki make the cut, and the boys are sent packing.

Lisa doesn't like Dale's Halo-Halo (holla holla!), and they start getting into it over some rice. Antonia and the rest of her team seem pretty calm thus far. I like it. Spike then puts on a suit that makes him look sort of like the scumbag younger brother of the snooty (snotty?) maitre'd from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Team Discovery Channel is scoring big time with every dish on their menu, except for the dessert, but they're even getting props for trying. This could be a massacre. Team Douchebag is tense, and Bourdain's not loving the Laksa. Padma likes the dumplings. They're fighting in the kitchen about the size of the portions, which you'd think they might have worked out before they cook and serve everything. They do like Dale's Halo-Halo (holla holla!), though.

Judges' Table: They're all patting themselves on the back for getting their restaurants off the ground tonight, and Stephanie, Antonia and Richard are brought out as the winners. Big surprise there. Bourdain loved them. Stephanie finally wins again, which gets her a trip for two on a culinary tour of Barcelona, Spain, including a guided wine tour and tasting. Wow! Team Douchebag trudges out all downtrodden-like. 13 minutes left. Gonna be some drama here. Man, they are getting hammered on every single dish, one of which was described as "baby food garnished with potpourri." Yikes. Send em all home!! Or, just Lisa. That would be ok with me.

We can't catch a break here! Dale gets sent packing, and Lisa is still on this show?!?!?!?! I don't get it. She SUCKS! Dale was kind of a dick, but I liked him pretty much all season. Probably because he didn't like Lisa. We heard he's opening a restaurant here in the ATL, so we'll have to check his place out after it opens. Next week they get rid of one more chef before the finals, and I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it if Lisa makes the final four.

Republicans and Democrats Can't Give You the Facts, Your Parents Won't Tell You Till You're Grown

(Uncle Tupelo, We've Been Had)

I just ate my weight in sushi.

Amanda and I just got home from a sushi-cooking class at The Cook's Warehouse in Decatur. We got an hour long discussion and demo from Joey Riley, the executive chef at Buckhead Diner, then we got to try making our own. I don't know how much everybody else made, or ate, because I was too busy stocking up for the winter. They let us make and eat as much as we wanted, so I made a tuna roll, a salmon and avocado roll, a california roll topped with tuna, salmon and avocado, then I tried my hand - successfully, I might add - with a piece of tuna nigiri and a piece of salmon nigiri. Then I made a salmon and tuna tartare roll, and a tuna, cucumber and avocado roll. After that, I made another salmon and tuna tartare roll, topped with avocado. I'm telling you, every single bite of it was awesome.

Amanda didn't eat nearly as much as I did, but most of her rolls looked much more professional than did mine. To be quite honest, though, aesthetics was a secondary concern of mine.

In other news, it looks like Obama officially took the majority of pledged delegates tonight, which is awesome, although he took a bit of a beating in Kentucky, which means HRC is gonna keep clapping and pointing excitedly from podiums for another two weeks.

But right now I am full of sushi, and I am happy. And I am ready for sleep.

Things Are Not What They Used to Be, Missing One Inside of Me, Deathly LOST This Can't Be Real, Cannot Stand This Hell I Feel

(Metallica, Fade to Black)

Wow! I thought this was a great episode, and although it was mostly just an hour of set-up for the 2-hour finale in two weeks, we still got a lot of good stuff from it, and I mean a LOT of good stuff. I was thinking of not writing until after the finale, since this was just part one, but I'd probably be on overload if I did that, so I'm gonna go ahead and get a few things down now. I'm going to have to watch this one again, though, before the finale in two weeks. Anybody want to come over and watch?

1. Was anybody else covered in goose bumps as the "Oceanic 6" got off the plane?? What a great scene, when they were reunited with their families. That was a very well shot scene, very touching, and also very humanizing, to see these people who we've pretty much only known as fighters and survivors (pardon the expression), to let us see the other side of them, their relief and their vulnerability, especially Kate and Sayid, who were heartbreakingly standing there alone while everyone else's parents came running over to hug them. I like to think Cheech found a way to calm everybody down while they were waiting, if you know what I mean.

It reminded me of the end of The Goonies, after they get away from the Fratellis and their families are all waiting there on the beach for them. So, in my analogy, that probably makes Ben Linus the "One-Eyed Willie" of the bunch? I'd say it would be Widmore, but I think Widmore's more like the rich douchebag who wants to buy the Goon Docks and evict everyone. And, naturally, Hurley is Chunk, right? I was going to link to a video of Chunk doing the truffle shuffle and go for the easy joke, but the way Hurley brought Sayid over to meet his parents made me think this one was a bit more fitting.

2. I don't know about you, but I was so happy to see Sawyer cock his rifle and head out with Jack to find the helicopter. I can appreciate that they've added some depth to his character lately, showing him being nicer to Hurley and caring about Claire and the baby, but did anybody else notice how he gave the baby a little kiss before handing him off to Kate? That was a bit much. Come on, man. Sack up and go kill some bad guys!

3. 4-8-15-16-23-42. AWESOME!! In the camaro, man, that was creepy! I've always wanted to give that as my fake phone number, but I've never had the balls to do it, or been in a situation where I've needed to give a fake phone number. (481) 516-2342. Like that wouldn't be so fun to do. If 481 were an actual area code (it's not, believe me, I checked years ago), whoever had that number would probably be driven to the nuthouse with Hurley after all of the calls they'd be getting. I guess you could still give it out, though. Just tell people it's a Portland area code...

4. I like the way Ben walked right into the Orchid station where Keamy and his men were. For so long he's been putting people in harm's way "for The Island," but now we see that he is also ready to put his life on the line for The Island, which makes him a bit less of a bastard, I guess. And I loved his line to Locke: "How many times do I have to tell you? I always have a plan!" The way he was telling Locke to get into the Orchid station was pretty confusing, though, like trying to get unlimited men in Contra. Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start. Booya!

5. Ben's lockbox was also an interesting twist, though I would imagine that hiding a wooden box in the jungle for 15 years might have some negative effects on the contents of the box. Like the Dharma saltines that Locke immediately handed to Hurley. But really, why would you hide a box with a mirror and binoculars in it, on the off chance you might need it at some point in the future?? Either, where they hid the box is sort of the entryway toward the Orchid station, requiring some mirror communication before it's safe to go any further, or maybe Ben somehow went and hid it there a few weeks ago when he disappeared into the Batcave and summoned the smoke monster to come after Keamy and his men. Come to think of it, why didn't the smoke monster have more success against those guys? It scared them pretty bad, but only killed one of them? That doesn't seem very effective, especially considering the way we saw it grab Mr. Eko and slam him into the ground a few times.

6. I've said it before (#2), and I'll say it again. Jin's days are numbered. I really don't think it's a charade that Sun is keeping up for the sake of their story. I think it is going to be very sad, and I think it's going to happen in two weeks. Granted, the date of death on his tombstone was the date of the crash, that part is for the sake of their story. But yeah, he's a goner. And somebody is responsible for his death!! That was a great scene, where Sun told her father that she orchestrated the purchase of a controlling share of his company.

6a. Boy, Sun, Jack and Hurley are facing their fathers head on, right? Jack finally gets to put his father to rest, but we know that won't last long, because we've seen the visions Jack has in the future (and we also know Jack's dad is alive on The Island, or something like that). I wonder if Sun faces her dad early on, like we saw last night, and then has some other confrontation with him in the future, over the company, or maybe over something Island-related??

6b. I was also stricken with the aforementioned bumps of goose when Claire's mom showed up at the funeral and told Jack that Claire was his father's daughter. Wow. In fact, I just got goose bumps again thinking about it. Then the way he looked at Kate holding Aaron, his newly discovered nephew, conveyed such shock and a hint of disgust, probably directed at himself. Given Aaron's age at the funeral (3-4 months old, at the most) and at the end of Kate's trial (2-3 years?), I guess a pretty significant amount of time passes before Jack decides he's ready to be around Aaron again. This leads me to two questions: First, whatever happened to the right to a speedy trial? Second, exactly how far into the future was last season's finale, with Crazy Bearded Jack screaming to Kate, "We have to go back!" ?? 4 years? 5 years? (I stand by my theory that, to most people's incredible dismay, that scene is as far into the future as we are ever going to get on this show. I don't think we're ever going to know if they (or just Jack) get back or not. You heard it here first.)

7. Anybody notice how they sort of worked the tsunami into the storyline? 105 (she did say 105, right? not 108??) days after the plane crash, the typhoon washed up, blah, blah, blah; I don't remember exactly what she said at that press conference. But everybody seems to have been waiting for that tsunami to show up and affect the story, which I have always thought is a ridiculous theory. Why writers of a purely unrelated fictional show would use something so tragic as an ancillary story line would make absolutely no sense. Could you imagine doing that with the September 11 attacks, or Hurricane Katrina? Would never happen. Not this soon, at least. Anyway, I hope that's the last we hear of this typhoon, and I hope the tsunami-theorists will give it a rest already.

8. Um, so, that was a whole lot of explosives on the freighter, huh? I guess that could be why Keamy had that weird device strapped to his arm last week. So, if he planted those explosives there before he left, that's why he held up his arm and said, "You don't want to do that," when the Captain pointed his gun at him. What a dick.

9. Death is lurking around every corner. It seems to me that a whole lot of people are going to die. There are still two seasons to go, so I'm sure they won't all die in the finale in two weeks, but think about this:

The Oceanic 6 get back to the real world. Ben is still ok in the future, and according to Future Jack, Sawyer made a decision to stay on The Island, so presumably, The Island is saved from Keamy and his men. Which most likely means that Keamy and his men are going to die. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The Oceanic 6 get rescued, some people (Sawyer, and probably Locke, at the very least, and possibly Rose and Bernard, to stay on The Island to avoid her cancer back in the real world) decide to stay on The Island.

But what about the people on the boat, and the 4 helicopter people? What reason would they have, after getting back to civilization, to keep up the charade that the Oceanic 6 are portraying? I'm guessing the boat people and the helicopter people all end up biting the dust at some point, otherwise, they'd be around to counter the story that has been cooked up, regarding the plane crash and survivors.

I also think Michael is going to die. He couldn't die after getting off The Island, but that's because The Island wouldn't let him die, because he still had to redeem himself for what he had done. Helping Ben sabotage the boat, and helping the Oceanic 6 get rescued will take care of that redemption, and he's toast.

What about Desmond? The jury's still out on Desmond, but the fact that he so solemnly vowed never to set foot on The Island again makes his outlook a bit more bleak, considering the amount of explosives on that boat. However, I'd say that the ensuing battle between Ben and Widmore probably means Des will be around awhile, otherwise, why should we care whether Ben is able to find and kill Penny, since we only know her through Desmond anyway? My question is, why hasn't Desmond had any more flashes of the future, like the way he did with Charlie? Can't he see any of this stuff coming? Might have been helpful, before Keamy planted all that C4.

See you in two weeks.

When the Color Goes Out of My Eyes, It's Usually the Change, but Damn, Sam, I Love a Woman That Rains

(Ryan Adams, Damn, Sam)

Last week we got rid of Nikki and her homemade pasta. Can we get rid of Lisa this week? I'm going to keep asking for it until it happens. Stephanie opens the show again this week with a comment about being sad to see Nikki go home, while we get to watch her tweeze her eyebrows. Dale doesn't like the fact that everybody hates him. And Andrew drops an f-bomb! Andrew, where have you been, man??

Quickfire Challenge: Sam is back! Sam was a finalist on Season 2. Padma had a serious crush on him, and I think she was in tears when she told him to pack his knives and go home. She has finally found a way to bring him back as a guest judge (I'm assuming she's been working on this ever since he walked away from the Judges' Table for the last time). Sam tells them they need to put sexy back in the salad. When was it ever there in the first place? Spike says he wants to make a salad that makes people want to have sex after they eat it. Thanks, Captain Literal. Then Lisa starts complaining about other contestants who don't belong there and whose personalities "suck ass." Hello, Pot? This is the Kettle. You're black.

Sam likes Andrew's and Spike's, but not Lisa's. (fingers crossed!) Antonia's has great flavor and Richard has broken from tradition and served his salad inside his fauxhawk. Not really, but that thing is getting a bit intrusive. Sam picks Richard (Richard?), Stephanie (Stephanie?) and Lisa (Lisa!) as the worst; and Spike, Antonia and Dale as the best, with Spike as the his overall favorite, which I am sure Padma is very excited about, given his earlier statement about having sex after you eat his salad.

Elimination Challenge: Make gourmet boxed lunches for Chicago firefighters and police officers, and they're supposed to be healthy. Spike gets to pick an ingredient from each food group that nobody else gets to use. Andrew is in rare form tonight, working blue like he's Richard Pryor. The chefs go to Whole Foods and stand there for ten minutes while Spike uses his 10 minute head start to taunt them by waving at them from various places in the store. What a hilarious douchebag. It happens to be nighttime while they're shopping and cooking. I'm guessing that after they left for Whole Foods, a conversation such as this took place:

Padma: Sam, you hungry? You know, I just divorced this dude, so I'm, um, available ... for dinner.

Sam: Yeah, I'm hungry.

Padma: How 'bout Indian?

Colleccio visits the group and seems to like the soup Stephanie is putting together, and is then brought almost to tears when he tastes Lisa's hot sauce. Richard's burritos look pretty good, and Dale's using bison, which is awesome. Colleccio thinks everyone seems to be doing well with this challenge. After he leaves the kitchen, Lisa realizes somebody "sabotaged" her rice by turning her burner up to high. Stephanie thinks Lisa might be full of it, and Dale agrees. With about 10 minutes to go, they all start running around the kitchen like the Keystone cops, dropping things and falling over trash cans.

The police officers come in for lunch and Richard proceeds to say "Do you like burritos?" about 7,500 times. Spike is creating the illusion of scarcity by only putting two lunches on his table, with the rest of them stacked behind him. Padma chows down on some lunch real quick before dragging Sam back to the pantry to see if he can find where she hid the tandoori chicken. The judges don't seem to love Spike's chicken salad or Andrew's sushi. Padma thinks Lisa's rice isn't cooked well, and when Sam agrees with her, she looks at him with puppy dog eyes. Sam comes from a family of policemen (which, Padma hopes, means he might have access to handcuffs), which ostensibly is why he's the guest judge? I didn't quite get that.

Judges' Table: Dale and Stephanie are called up first. Ted Allen looks like he's about to start cracking up for some reason. Sam names Dale as the winner, and he gets a bottle of wine and a trip for two to visit the winery from whence it came. Dale has very quietly won five of the 20 challenges so far this season, which is fairly impressive, given the number of contestants.

Spike, Lisa and Andrew are called back as the bottom three. Oh, please, PLEASE keep Ace and Gary and get rid of Lisa!! Andrew didn't notice something in the rules of the challenge, and Padma freaks out and yells at him! I don't think she has raised her voice above "barely conscious" since I've started watching the show. It is not looking good for my boy, Andrew. Colleccio lays the smack down on Spike, telling him "unfortunately for you, my opinion is the one that matters." Go, Tom! Lisa immediately alleges sabotage of her rice. They seem to skirt this issue by telling her that the rest of her dish wasn't cooked well either. So she does what any respectable person would do, and looks for another person to throw under the bus. Andrew wasn't very happy that he was her first choice, and they have some words while the judges deliberate.

I'm bracing myself for Andrew leaving tonight. Amanda thought he could be the fan favorite this season. It would be a shame to see him go. And a shame it is. Spike looks like he just saw his puppy get run over. The number of people I like on this show was just reduced by one. Now, I am really rooting for Stephanie big time. I also hope she starts dropping an f-bomb every now and then.

And Bait and Bows and Sows and Troughs. I've Coughed Enough and I've Walked As Much.

(Tapes n' Tapes, Just Drums)

I'm a regular reader of Pop Candy, which is USA Today's pop culture blog. Whitney Matheson, the blog's writer, has just about the best job in the world, which is, from what I can gather, to watch TV, listen to music, go to movies, and just surf the web and have fun. And every so often, go do some sort of music or film festival. This is more fun than any human being should be allowed to have, and the rest of us should feel lucky that she shares it with the rest of us, bit by tasty bit.

Her latest offering is Mixwit, where you can create your own mixtape online and post it to your own blog or website, or just email it out to friends. Her first attempt (which is WAY better than mine) is "Lost Candy," featuring music that has appeared on Lost. (She's a junkie for the show as well.) Mine is, well, I'm sure you can figure it out. Just click on the tape to play. And the tape actually plays!!

I have no doubt that this might be a regular feature. Sort of like my own podcast, only, not nearly as cool.